


P5B: Persona 5, the Broken

by AdonisNimbus



Category: Persona 5, Persona 5 Royal, Persona Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drama, Drama & Romance, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fantasy, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Past Rape/Non-con, Persona 5 Protagonist Needs a Hug, Persona 5 Spoilers, Persona 5: The Royal Spoilers, Personal Growth, Phantom Thief Suzui Shiho, Psychological Trauma, Rare Pairings, Romance, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:08:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 37,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27942017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdonisNimbus/pseuds/AdonisNimbus
Summary: Shortly after dealing with the palace of Sakura Futaba, Ann asks Ren to come support her as Shiho visits the school one last time. But Joker gets a feeling Shiho isn't being fully honest with them when she says that her weakness is gone.  What follows is the story of a broken person, adjusting to try and make use of the support she is almost too afraid to take, and a hero who is on the verge of breaking himself...
Relationships: Amamiya Ren/Suzui Shiho, Kurusu Akira/Suzui Shiho, Persona 5 Protagonist/Suzui Shiho
Comments: 25
Kudos: 65





	1. Take Your Time

**Author's Note:**

> A warning: I chose not to use the archive warnings because this work does not contain any actual depicted acts of non consensual sexual activity, but given the characters and work it concerns, there will be discussion of and aftermath of victimhood of rape and physical abuse, as well as the aftermath of a failed suicide attempt. If you're likely to be upset by characters coming to terms with their life after rape, and attempted suicide, please don't read. If you can handle it, though, I hope this story will help you feel that life can go on after tragedy, and that nobody is ever trapped, no matter the form of prison they have constructed in their brain. Broken is a state of mind, more than it's a state of being.

**_8/14_ **

Amamiya Ren had been expecting mostly to be spending the afternoon working on catching up with the tight schedule of study he had constructed for himself, even if it was summer, it was the perfect time to make sure he had all his ducks in a row. In spite of his air of nonchalance that caused so many to underestimate him, and others still to doubt his sincerity, he was a meticulous planner. After all, how was he supposed to ‘rehabilitate’ himself in just twelve months, keep up with school, and tackle the hearts of the corrupt without _careful_ time management?

“Take your time,” he muttered under his breath, tapping a pencil on the old, but well kept, surface of one of LeBlanc’s tables. Yeah, take it, cut it into neat packages, and plan them all out carefully; make sure you improve yourself, inmate; make sure you make friends, inmate; make sure you get strong, inmate; don’t do poorly in school, inmate. He was trapped in a prison of time. But today was one of those days where he had planned to study only because he didn’t expect anyone would be available to spend time with. Spending time with people, he had learned, was important. The master of his self-imposed prison had helped him grow, but that growth had only accelerated once he had started making friends in Tokyo.

One such friend reached out to him today.

**ANN: Hey**

Ann’s message was short. Clearly she wanted to say more than just that, especially given all they had been through. The threat of Medjed loomed, and the daughter of his erstwhile guardian had yet to wake. All of them were on edge. He wondered what it was she wanted to talk about. Her ‘hey’ hung on his screen like a request for permission, but he had spent enough time with Ann that she should know she could always talk, so he waited.

**ANN: It’s Shiho. She wanted to visit the school, and I… would like you to be there. I feel like I’m going to need the support.**

**_REN: I’ll be there,_ **he replied.

Ren packed everything away with practised speed. He was so used to adjusting his plans on a moment’s notice. These things were necessary when you were a Phantom Thief.

The rooftop, Ren thought, was a poetic, if odd, choice for the injured girl’s first visit back to the school. Suzui Shiho was panting, even though most of the work of getting her up the four flights of stairs had been done by himself and Ann. They were tough. The physical exertion of tackling five palaces had put them both in great shape, not to mention all the training he had been doing with Ryuji and Kasumi on the side. Ren felt like he could have helped her up and down the stairs a dozen times without sweating.

“Ann, Amamiya-kun… I’m pretty heavy, huh? Thanks for the help,” the volleyball starlet sighed.

“Isn’t Amamiya super reliable?” Ann praised him. She had been complimenting him more lately, he noticed. But now was a time for Suzui-san, he thought, and any support he was giving Ann today was to help this poor girl, in the end. Ren was, though, a little taken aback by the casual way Suzui-san giggled at that comment.

“Mm-hm, just like you were telling me.” Was… was he the subject of… gossip? Not again, he thought, fighting a sigh. Ann looked a little shocked at that comment, perhaps not expecting her friend to be so open about their conversations about another person in front of them. Had this girl been that forward before? Ren thought back to the minor interactions he had had with the volleyball team’s starter. They had been few, and the most memorable, while she had indeed seemed reserved, had some fairly forward content. Don’t let the rumours get to you, she had said, or something to that effect. Practically lecturing him, even as she had mumbled it out.

There was more to be startled by though. Suzui-san walked, a pained expression on her face with each step, toward the mesh that protected the edge of the roof. Ann moved to follow her but stopped when her friend did.

“We’re so high up,” Suzui-san uttered, as if just an aside observation. The phrase seemed so… loaded given where they were.

“Why did you want to come here?” Ren found himself stepping forward. He wasn’t sure if it was some instinct to stop her acting, but it felt needed.

“I think… to settle things,” she said, looking back over her shoulder at him. “To tell you the truth… I wanted to reenact that moment.” Ren had never heard more terrifying words, but he forced himself to keep a straight face. He could practically feel Ann flinch behind him. He let Suzui-san continue. “Wearing these clothes, standing here again… I wanted to know what it would feel like.”

That relieved him. It was a closure thing. To find out if that feeling of being trapped still lingered, perhaps? Ann broke his reverie.

“...What about back then? What were you thinking?” It didn’t sound accusatory. It was full of care, Ann really did love her friend.

“I… I didn’t want to die.” Ren hated the thought that came unbidden - _could have fooled us -_ but his face remained passive - there was a little of the shadow in everyone, he thought. That’s why that world was so full of them, the collective unconscious was built on that foundation. “I just needed to escape…” She had damn near succeeded, if you could call it that. Ren wished they could have done something about Kamoshida sooner, saved her that pain, Suzui-san continued. “It was like another person inside of me was screaming, telling me to come up here. It almost felt like that person was trying to kill me...”

Ren wondered if that voice was her shadow, like Futaba’s, so recently, determined to die, seeing it as the only way to achieve a desire. A desire for peace, in Futaba’s case. Perhaps a desire for freedom in Suzui’s? He made a note to check something later. Ann remained silent a moment, but her expression had become so sad.

“But I know that person was part of me too… My weakness,” Suzui-san continued. “So, I wanted to see if she would show up again now.”

“And?” Ren prodded. He had a feeling he knew what she would say, but he wanted to check for himself later.

“She doesn’t exist anymore.” Suzui-san said, exactly as he expected she would.

“...You’re so strong, Shiho.” Ann smiled weakly. “The only reason you can stand here now is because of how hard you worked for your rehab.”

“Maybe… but that was all thanks to you, Ann.” Suzui gave a similar, small smile back to her friend.

“Me…?” Ann sounded disbelieving. Ren wanted to comment on all the times she had excused herself to go see Shiho, to help her. Of course you, he thought.

“Because I saw how hard you were trying, too.” Suzui-san went on. He thought it had been all the times Ann had been there for her that had given Suzui-san strength, but as she went on, it seemed he was wrong. “Trying to be strong, to be cool… Wanting to be an action star… Striving to be a better model… You were so positive… Your eyes sparkled with motivation.” Suzui-san’s smile was becoming more warm than before, small as it still was, Ren noticed it was starting to reach her eyes. “With you putting that much effort in, I couldn’t just let my life go to waste in a hospital bed. That’s why I wanted to stand again… It was because of you. Being able to change others… That’s what true strength is.”

You have no idea, thought Ren. Or, he mused, maybe you do.

“Shiho…” Ann trailed off. “I’m not strong…” Ren would have begged to differ, but right now this seemed like something Ann needed to get out. “I’m nothing without you… I’m just a lonely, scared girl…”

“Ann…” It was Suzui-san’s turn to pause on her friend’s name. “I’m sorry… for deciding to transfer schools.”

“Shiho…” Ren thought Ann was on the verge of tears, just from the sound of her voice. Out of the corner of his eye it looked like it, too. But then she resolutely shook her head. “I’m… I’m going to become a real model! That way you’ll be able to keep seeing me…” No, sure enough, even though she was now smiling, there were tears, “and keep giving life your all… I’m gonna be in a bunch of magazines, and I’ll say tons of good stuff in interviews… So… So…” the tears were building, and her smile was losing the battle. But she fought to pick it back up. “Stay healthy. Work hard, but not too much… and keep in touch. Just…” her smile was replaced by a look of serious concern. “Take care of yourself…”

Wincing with each step, Suzui-san approached Ann.

“Ann…” she started, and embraced Takamaki, “I love you… Once I can smile again from the bottom of my heart, I’ll come visit...” So she wasn’t just changing schools, but moving to a whole new area? That sounded like running away. That sounded like exactly what Ren thought was going on. He reaffirmed his desire to check something later.

“Y-Yeah…” Ann mumbled into her shoulder. They held that pose for quite some time.

“I need to go,” Suzui-san said, sounding sad. By Ren’s estimation, they had hugged for several minutes. She released Ann, “my family are waiting downstairs - we’re off to view some potential places. I’m so sorry, but can I count on you two again…?” Suzui-san looked sadly toward the door, but Ren was already moving. Unabashedly, he took Suzui-san’s hand, which elicited a sharp jolt from the girl, and then guided it over his shoulder.

“Ann…?” They had spent so long fighting together, just her name and a meaningful look was enough to get his meaning across. Takamaki took Suzui-san’s other arm and the two began leading her down again. It was a long walk, for such a short distance, and once again by the bottom, Suzui-san was panting; almost certainly the heavy breaths had less to do with exertion than with pain. Ann shook her head when Suzui’s family offered to take her off our hands, and so we ended up helping her all the way to the car. Suzui even gave Ren a parting hug, though she shook from the moment it started, and uttered some familiar words, as Ann backed away and he was left to help sit her in the car.

“I’m glad that you didn’t let the rumours this spring get you down, Amamiya-kun. I think, maybe you’re where Ann gets a lot of her strength. Thank you.” Her voice was cracking and wavering, he wasn't sure what that meant, but he was sure she wasn't that close to him. Something else, another emotion, was at play here and he wondered what it was. There was no time to delve into it now.

“I promise,” Ren said, eyes deadpan, “you’re going to see you’re stronger than you know yourself, Suzui-san.

“Shiho, please,” she smiled, still shaking, breathing heavily, this smile did _not_ reach her eyes. Ren stepped back, and the girl pulled closed the car door and appeared to breathe out very heavily, eyes downcast.

“Can we… go back up…?” Ann asked, as Suzui and her family drove away from the end of the pedestrian street the school was on.

“Sure, go ahead,” Ren smiled his best false smile. “I’ll be right behind you.”

He looked down at his phone as Takamaki walked back upstairs, suddenly eye to crimson eye with a very familiar app. The MetaNav. He clicked it, and clicked the Mementos registry - the list of names that gave a small navigational result paired with the keyword Mementos. To avoid the remote chance of the retreating Ann overhearing him, he simply tapped the characters into the search.

**S U Z U I S H I H O**

“Candidate found,” came a familiar synthetic voice. He had feared he would hear it, but to hear it itself, it wasn’t a pleasant surprise. Pocketing the phone, he looked again down the street as the Suzui family car rounded a corner and vanished, and sighed, rounding to follow Ann back up to the roof. Another thing he needed to devote a little time to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mostly an exploration of the inside of Ren's head during Ann's rank 9 rank up, but it always bugged me that such a strong potential character as Shiho wasn't used for much more than window dressing on Ann's story. Also the fact that she moved away straight up always rubbed me the wrong way. It felt like just another way to run away. So I wanted to explore that. Since I wrote the first two chapters in one sitting, they're both going up one after the other. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Another note, having completed the games so many times and knowing how unstructured some sections are, I decided to go looking for a 100% guide that put the Lovers Rank 9 scene shortly after clearing Futaba's palace to base my timeline on. Thus I came to find Reddit user IndigoGamma's translation of a Japanese schedule for P5R. Look it up if you would like to see the basis for my timekeeping, or if you want to 100% P5R on the first go, it seems legit.


	2. Adjustment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joker has something he wants to take care of alone. With so many selves inside one person though, is it any surprise that the trickster doesn't exactly *like* all the parts of himself...?

**_8/15_ **

It was odd, coming to this place without Morgana. The gravel between tracks crunching under the curve of his jester-like boots, Joker paced the corridors of Mementos. The MetaNav wasn’t as good at sensing the direction of a target as Morgana was, and so he had wandered one floor after the next, only finding out after a few minutes on the floor whether the target was below or not. Finally he had narrowed it down. This was the floor. The one above said below, the one below said above, and this floor had flickered between saying above and below indecisively.

And here it was, the telltale red swirl of a pocket off the side of Mementos, the budding seed of a Palace that never was, he had come to think of them, a desire not yet distorted enough to take shape. Although, sometimes he got the feeling they were close to doing so, and this time more than ever. The terminus of the line was not decorated like the rest of the floor, the walls seemed to have the illusion of space beyond - the city skyline fading in and out of view replacing the walls like the beating of a heart, the only obstruction? A mesh fence.

And in the middle of it was a girl. Long, black hair in a ponytail, dark eyes seeming afraid. Suzui-san… no, Shiho’s Shadow. He approached her.

“S-stay back!” she shrieked as she realised he was approaching. “I- I’m going to go! You can’t stop me!”

“It seems your weakness never left, did it, Shiho,” Joker sighed. “I thought as much.”

“What do _you_ know?!” she cried, it was less aggressive than most shadows, but not as passive as Futaba’s, which seemed resigned. This one seemed close to that, but still unsure. “I was trapped before, but the way I tried to escape just hurt. But if I stay I’ll just be trapped again! I have to _go_! There’s no way I have the strength to adjust to life here anymore...”

“I’m going to show you that’s not true,” Joker smirked. “You’re going to show me your strength, even as you try to convince yourself you need to do this, come!”

He took up a fighting stance, knife falling out of his sleeve smoothly into his hand, and his other hand clutching his mask.

“I _do_ have to go!” she screamed, melting into blackness. It felt less like normal because, rather than feeling like opposition, her shout seemed more like resignation mixed with regret. This was going to be interesting, not to mention challenging given that he was on his own.

Suzui’s shadow was like nothing he had seen before. Not like the odd creatures in Mementos, nor even like anything he had conjured in the Velvet Room. It looked like a mask, or a woman, no real discernment, with features oddly, terrifyingly reminiscent of Kamoshida’s, built into a cart that sat neatly on the end of the rails. That was when it hit Joker. She didn’t plan to fight, she planned to _run_. That was what she had been doing in reality, and it was her plan here.

“ _I, Orestes, will not stand and be slain!_ ” The voice that came out was part masculine, part feminine, and had traces of Shiho’s own mixed in. And its wheels were spinning. If he hadn’t been training so much with Kasumi, it would have also hit him in a less metaphorical way, as it was at this point the shadow charged toward the exit of the not-palace. Joker leapt upward, vaulting neatly over the thing, but it would get away if he didn’t do something. His hand still on his face, he felt down into himself. That same disgust from earlier, when he thought unsavoury thoughts, he still felt it, a persona, a part of himself that was less than pleasant, he needed that part of him now, its grim, macabre pragmatism.

“Mara!” he cried, wincing as he ripped free the mask. Even as he did he launched the grappling line at the shadow called _Orestes_ , hooking it as he landed on the front of Mara’s chariot. He tried not to think about the thing that was wriggling behind him, a grim reminder that inside him, too, were some of the desires that Kamoshida had made real by abusing the very girl he was chasing the shadow of. Poetic, he thought, again hating himself for it. But this might be what that shadow needed.

And so Mara, the chariot of lust, followed the cart of Orestes perfectly, chained as it was to her. Orestes screamed as it rounded corners in a desperate attempt to shake the horrifying vision Joker was chasing it upon, but failed and failed until, finally, it fell from the rails at a dead end, and seemed to slump, its wheels sagging.

“Please,” it whimpered in many voices at once. “I. Please, let me go. I need to get away from him. From things like you…” Shiho’s weakness, Joker thought, as he hopped off of Mara, the horrid persona vanishing into blue flames as his mask reappeared. “Even you,” it said, “have something like that in you. How can I stay here?”

Joker kept his gun trained on the downed shadow, which seemed willing at least to listen now. Just like several other of these targets, it seemed defeating it was not the solution here.

“Why leave,” he started, “when you can’t be sure what will be at the other end?”

“But!” Orestes whimpered in its three voices, “If I stay I will have to remember…”

“You’ll never not have to remember,” he said, firmly. “But if you stay, there are those who could help you _face_ it.”

“How could anyone face a memory like that?!” it sank further, bowing its head. Joker thought back, just a few days ago someone else had said something similar. She had said the only way was to die. Facing yourself was too hard. But…

“I’ve met others who have faced that weak self,” he said, “you were strong enough to help even me, even when you were most trapped. I know you have the strength for this.” Joker reached out his hand to the genderless thing on the railcart. “Isn’t it time to stop running and see what you can achieve if you let others do the same for you?” Orestes was bathed in light. It reached out, and touched his hand.

“You… would… you be there for me…?” it asked.

“Call, I’ll be there,” he smiled.

“I’ll return to myself,” Orestes said, fading back into Shiho’s shadow, now holding his hand, the same hand he had grabbed the day before to help her down the stairs, she stared at it, as if recognising that fact. “I’ll show myself that I have help… on hand.” Her shadow smiled, and vanished, leaving a glowing spot in the air with something small and flat inside. A card, with an intricate image on it. He had found these before, and with Yusuke’s help, learned that art could move the soul, teaching his personae new things. He wondered, as he snatched the card from the air, what things Shiho’s inner self would have to teach him.

**SHIHO: Hello…**

He was utterly exhausted. Not even a massage would soothe him after that hell of a joyride, so Ren, ignoring the pestering questions of Morgana about where he had snuck off to that afternoon, had laid down. It had been less than an hour after that his phone had buzzed, and he looked incredulously at the chat he had received. He looked again.

**SHIHO: Hello…**

Stubbornly, it refused to explain itself. It was a message, from the girl he had just changed the heart of, but none of those he had changed in mementos so far had directly contacted him before. He had stared at it for nearly ten minutes now. How did she even…

**SHIHO: Sorry if that was unexpected! I got your number from Ann. I wanted to thank you again and…**

**REN: No problem, I *was* wondering where you got my number. I’m glad you got it though.**

**SHIHO: Ehehe, Stalker Shiho strikes.**

**SHIHO: Sorry.**

**SHIHO: Ann will tell you my sense of humour is weird.**

She also typed fast.

**REN: How was the place your family looked at?**

**SHIHO: Oh.**

**SHIHO: About that.**

**SHIHO: Don’t tell Ann, I want it to be a surprise but…**

Don’t tell me, he thought…

**SHIHO: I decided not to move out of the city completely!**

Ren felt himself smile. Now her weakness really was gone. As if reading his mind, she went on.

**SHIHO: To tell the truth, after you spoke to me in the car, I got to thinking, but it hit me today out of nowhere that I was still running.**

**SHIHO: I literally *just* got done talking to my parents, asked Ann for your number because I wanted to tell you it was you who inspired it.**

**SHIHO: Don’t tell Ann though.**

**SHIHO: She might get jealous!**

**REN: I’m glad you found your strength.**

**SHIHO: You really *are* reliable, Amamiya-kun!**

**REN: Ren, please.**

He mirrored her friendly gesture in the car. For someone who typed fast, there was a very long pause then, and he worried he had perhaps overstepped, remembering that in some ways he still represented what she had tried to run from, so he added.

**REN: Or whatever you’re comfortable with. No pressure. Deal?**

**SHIHO: Deal. Thank you, Amamiya-kun.**

After that, Shiho added no more, but somehow, even just over the phone message exchange, he felt that same familiar stirring in his heart. He had made her acquaintance before, in the spring, but he felt like he truly made a friend of her now. He put down his phone, and dreamt of butterflies, and soft, calm voices...

_I am thou, thou art I… Thou hast acquired a new vow._

_It shall become the wings of rebellion that breaketh thy chains of captivity._

_With the birth of the Adjustment Persona, I have obtained the winds of blessing that shall lead to freedom and new power…_

**Adjustment Confidant, Rank 1**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, Joker is an idiot. Who the hell chases the broken soul of a rape victim through the unconscious on a penis-chariot? Apparently the trickster does, which is going to go a long way towards explaining why much of the first few Adjustment Arcana confident rank ups won't be in person. However, it also plays a major role in the reason Shiho doesn't run away here: Joker tethering a penis-chariot to Shiho's shadow mirrors the unhappy truth of trauma. Physical distance from the place the trauma occurred is not enough to shake trauma completely. Jokers idiotic action actually helped Shiho see that even _if_ she ran away, the memory and the fear would still go along with her.  
>   
> A couple notes on the background of the canon divergence:  
> Persona is known to pull, occasionally, nontypical arcana from decks other than the Rider Waite Tarot. Examples include the Gran Esoterico's Councillor arcana and Visconti-Sforza's Faith. In this case I went back to a deck used in Persona 4 a lot, the Aleister Crowley Thoth Tarot, wherein the Adjustment takes the place of Justice, and represents some of the deeper meanings of the Justice arcana, that of taking stock of one's thoughts and self assessment, of balancing those with your situation, coming to terms with them,and adjusting them accordingly.  
> Orestes is one of a rare cadre of mythological characters; prominent mythological characters who ran away.


	3. False Wish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joker laments his imprisonment, feeling the swinging pendulum of the clock bearing down on him. But, ever the hero, he still tries to keep helping Shiho, who leaves him with an odd wish...

**_8/29_ **

**SHIHO: Hi, Amamiya-kun.**

Heat-tired from his day on the beach, Ren looked at the message which had just appeared on his phone. It had been about two weeks since Shiho had last said anything at all, but for some reason today she had plucked up the courage. It felt like he _had_ to answer, just to make sure she didn't feel that effort was wasted. Rather than spend the evening reading, as had been his plan, he smiled and thought over what to say back.

 **REN: Shiho, good to hear from you. What's up?** A pause from the hurricane-speed typist he knew her to be, and he worried that perhaps he, too, should have dropped back to more formal greetings. Even if she had been the one to tell him he should call her Shiho, hadn't she lost her composure when he had suggested she treat him the same?

**SHIHO: Ann was telling me about her day out…**

**SHIHO: About your new friend…**

Ren wondered how much of Futaba's situation Ann had given Shiho. Time to push the boundaries, he thought.

 **REN: She's not far from what you're going though,** he explained.

**REN: At least, she is struggling to trust and be around people.**

**SHIHO: Do you see me like that?** This caught the phantom thief out. Did he? Sure enough he genuinely thought Shiho was struggling, but from the question it sounded like she didn't want to be thought of like that. He chose his words carefully, and even as he was typing his response Shiho's lightning quick fingers had sent another question, just as he was hitting send, the messages popped into being on his screen simultaneously.

**SHIHO: Am I broken?**

**REN: I don't think you're weak, if that's what you're asking. That you choose to stay anywhere near Shujin proves you are strong as all hell.**

**SHIHO: But I am broken…**

**SHIHO: I think…**

**SHIHO: Was it a mistake to stay?** Joker considered this for a moment. A tired Morgana lifted his head from where he was dozing at the end of the bed.

"You're tapping away like crazy. Did the others have something to say?" the feline-formed creature asked.

"It's not the others…" Amamiya trailed off. Morgana seemed to lose interest, switching to preening himself, but Ren thought he caught the occasional concerned glance toward himself. Was it concern? He wasn’t sure.

**REN: Is your new school bad?**

**SHIHO: No…**

**REN: You haven't moved home?**

**SHIHO: No…**

**REN: Then was there something special at the school far away?**

**SHIHO: No…**

**SHIHO: What are all these questions?**

**SHIHO: I just don't feel safe anywhere, that's all.**

**SHIHO: But you're right…**

**SHIHO: The new school wouldn't have changed that.**

**REN: Because what caused it is in the past, not a place, right?**

**SHIHO: You… really are reliable Amamiya…** No suffix. That was a small step, but one in the right direction. He could feel that Shiho was making progress. It was an odd sensation, to be so sure of the mental states of another human just by reading text messages, but the feeling was there. If they kept going, kept talking it through, he was sure he could help her. They were closer now.

**Adjustment Confidant, Rank 2**

Joker smiled, and thought it was a good time to give Shiho an excuse to move away from this difficult topic without feeling like she was running from it. He would take the lead.

**REN: It must be difficult talking about it at all, feel free to talk about anything else at all, if you need to.**

**SHIHO: Then, can I change the subject?**

**REN: That's what I said.**

**SHIHO: Guess what? Ann actually thought she would end up confessing to you, the day I was going to leave.**

It was news to him, so much so it took him a while, minutes even, before he could find a response.

**REN: You sure she wants you telling me that?**

**SHIHO: Haha I could feel you going blank even through the phone.**

**REN: She's a good friend,** He paused, not hitting send yet. How best to say it? She was a companion, a close confidant, a teammate. He could only say so much to Shiho though.

**REN: She's a good friend, but I don't see her that way. If she had confessed, I may have had to turn her down.**

There was a very, very long pause after this. A few minutes in Ren began to wonder if she had fallen asleep, but a reply came just as he was pulling his own covers over himself.

**SHIHO: Ann is strong. I think you're strong too, the way you shrugged off the rumours.**

**REN: Thanks…**

**SHIHO: I wish she'd confessed, and I wish you'd felt differently.**

**SHIHO: Good night.**

Ren stared dumbfounded at the phone. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Shiho was trying to set me up… with Ann? Of course, Ann was beautiful. Stunning even. Her smile could light up a room. For a moment, he wondered if he was a little insane for _not_ wanting her in that way.

Not my type, he thought to himself. Pretty but in a too-perfect way, like it wasn't real. He knew, of course, that it _was_ real. Ann just naturally came that way, right out of the box, doll-like. He wanted someone who he felt on a level with, he supposed. He tried to think about what that person might look like, but with nearly an hour of chatting with Suzui on his mind, hers was the only face he could conjure at the moment. He resolved to think about it some other time. If there was time. Why was there never time?

Time, he thought, sighing. He had about half a year left here. More than his record, more than anything at all, the prison in his heart was one of time, he was sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I mentioned before, much of the earlier ranks of the Adjustment arcana are not going to take place in person. In fact the very next one that topic itself will be coming up. He may be helping her, friendly with her, and feeling closer to her, but Shiho is a damaged person, and Ren is a guy, and that is a big part of what made her feel so trapped before - the attention, unwanted at the time, of a guy. But Shiho doesn't want to feel damaged, she wants to be her old self, the self that tried to help her friends even when she was suffering. She clings to that, even though the wishes she makes aren't quite heartfelt. Look forward to more soon, as I'm on a massive Persona kick right now, streaming the entire series as I am, on Twitch. I'm mostly writing during lunch at work.


	4. I Hope Nobody Damages The Paintwork

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joker makes a suggestion and is instantly shot down. Shiho can't even talk to the people she cares about. There are some jokes about a cat being a car. Time marches, ever, onward.

**_9/14_ **

It started the same as before. After a long, awful day, his phone vibrated.

**SHIHO: I heard you lost your cat!**

**SHIHO: Or your car?**

**SHIHO: Ann was too hysterical yesterday for me to get a clear answer…** Ren hated himself, but for a minute before he could answer, he couldn’t help laughing about it. Ann probably _hadn’t_ made the mistake that made it sound like, but the image of parking Morgana in the streets of Tokyo in bus form and some hapless thief coming to steal him, only to find that the vehicle talked, and was a cat gave him such an unexpected laugh he couldn’t stop. He calmed in short order though, because as funny as that image was, Morgana was still not home. Ann really did talk about everything with Shiho, if not explicitly.

 **REN: He was a stray when I got him,** Ren explained, **so I think if we just keep looking he will turn up. We’re going out tomorrow to look.**

**SHIHO: I hope you find him.**

**SHIHO: And that nobody damages the paintwork.** Her slightly off-kilter humour was still showing through.

**SHIHO: Are you okay?**

**REN: I’ll be fine. How is your new school?**

**SHIHO: I thought an all girls’ school would be easier.**

**REN: Are you kidding? Girls are the worst!** He joked. He had managed to talk to Shiho more in the intervening weeks this time, and was becoming confident that this would be taken well by her odd, negative-ish sense of humour. It wasn’t gallows level, exactly, but when Shiho laughed, it was occasionally at her own expense.

**SHIHO: Aren’t we though?**

**SHIHO: But really, I am glad that it’s an all female faculty, too.**

**SHIHO: Do you… mind if we talk about the difficult thing?**

**REN: Sure you want to do that over text messages?** Joker began typing more, but Shiho’s reply to this question was faster than anything before, and, oddly for her, came with a significant number of exclamation points and a very firm, formal affirmative, no ‘yeah’.

**SHIHO: YES!!!!**

Shiho immediately launched into lightning fast typing mode. It seemed that this was something she had wanted to talk about for a while, and the floodgates had opened.

**SHIHO: Sorry, didn’t mean to text-yell, but yes.**

**SHIHO: I am really glad you helped me that day.**

**SHIHO: But I had the sweats the whole time.**

**SHIHO: It’s not that you’re anything like…** Kamoshida, he thought. He remembered the palace, the imps and their phallic horns, the objectification obvious in the depths of the man’s mind, right down the the guardian of the last Will Seed. Hideous. And he remembered conjuring Mara to chase Shiho’s shadow in Mementos. In at least _one_ way, he _was_ like Kamoshida.

 **REN: I know. I’m a guy.** This was the longest pause he had ever heard from her. He was sure he had scared her off. The conversation had started in the early evening and had taken minutes, and he even managed to get some work in at his desk, making small packages filled with ingredients able to throw, and unleash elemental energies in the metaverse, before he felt his pocket buzz again, it felt longer than usual, like a call, he took only a few moments to check, but by the time he did, there were a ton of messages.

**SHIHO: I’m sorry.**

**SHIHO: I am okay, it’s just.**

**SHIHO: I’m not.**

**SHIHO: Okay.**

**SHIHO: I *am* broken.**

**SHIHO: But I hate it.**

**SHIHO: My little brother is okay to be around.**

**SHIHO: But even when my father speaks I flinch.**

**SHIHO: I wish I could go back to talking normally with him, at least.** Those last two tugged at his heart. Even her own father was too much for her? He thought about how it felt for him to know that she felt scared around him, and imagined how much worse it must have been for her own flesh and blood. Poor guy. Poor Shiho. He paused, considering this and how to reply.

**SHIHO: Don’t start pitying me though. I’m not telling you this for that.**

**SHIHO: I just want you to know.**

**SHIHO: To understand.** He smiled. She really _didn’t_ want people to think of her like that. She was strong. If she could apply that determination to getting better, what was a little long-distance friendship?

**REN: And I do. You want to talk to me, but you don’t want to see me, yet.**

**REN: I get it.**

**SHIHO: You do?** she asked. Then

 **SHIHO: Thank you.** She wasn’t even there in front of him, but he could feel the gratitude, almost see her face. Shiho was desperate to become better. She wanted to talk to her father, and if he could help with that by chatting with her, helping her get used to talking to guys again, he was fine with it just being in writing. He felt that determination from her, and he felt his own willingness to help respond. A stirring in his heart.

**Adjustment Confidant, Rank 3**

**REN: It’s no problem. I promise we’ll work to help you talk to your dad normally again.**

**SHIHO: And to you, Amamiya.**

**SHIHO: I would like that.**

**SHIHO: Good night and good luck with your catmobile.** Unfortunately, this brought him back to reality. They still had to deal with Morgana’s breakdown, and there was only one place he would be going, and he got the feeling that time was, as usual, not on his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The formal affirmative Joker mentions in this chapter is the ‘Hai!’ of Japanese. Since Japanese characters don’t have upper or lower case, I wanted to explain. Saying “Hai!!!!” over a text message in Japan (where much of these conversations would involve far less formal affirmative words, even just things that would come across as sounds like ‘uh-huh’ in speech) comes across in much the same way as ALL CAPS TYPING!!!  
> I am not at all confident in this fiction. I am so used to writing long form fantasy, this episodic thing is incredibly dialogue heavy, and to top it off there is so little to show outside of the conversations, so much more tell. I hope it comes across the way I want - it feels a little stunted, a little limited, but I think that’s a big part of how they must feel as characters. In a way, it helps. In a way, it feels right. It did not help that this chapter takes place when it does, with no Morgana to provide some much needed actual goings-on in the room.


	5. I'll Be There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren gives Morgana his blessing. Shiho takes a big step.

**9/19**

Today had been a hard one, and he had needed something to both calm him  _ and _ rejuvenate him after a  _ long _ trip into Mementos, so he had called Kawakami to work her… magic? They had tackled so many of the requests today. It was the most effective use of time - learn as much as they could about as many bad or misled people, then dive deep into the collective unconscious and root out all those little palace seedlings at once.

“Take your time,” he repeated to himself, sitting on the sofa looking at the TV - off and empty, like his cleared head - a while after the maid come teacher had left.

“Hmm?” Morgana picked up his head from where he was napping on the workbench. “You say something?”

“Something like a catchphrase, I guess,” Ren shrugged.

“Ooh, a catchphrase for a phantom thief? Sounds like a great idea. I wonder what mine would be?”

“Probably ‘you should get some sleep’,” he smirked. Morgana growled.

“Hey! I’m just looking out for my ace in the hole,” the cat leapt off the desk and up onto the sofa next to him. “You  _ do _ seem exhausted. Didn’t you get one of those massages?”

Of course. Those were odd in their own right. It didn’t do much for his self-loathing to have the, frankly disturbingly talented hands of his  _ homeroom teacher _ all over him. And the odd not-quite-romantic relationship he had with Kawakami just made him reminisce on Kamoshida. In another context, couldn’t someone looking at her think she was as bad as the volleyball coach? He tried not to think about it. Tried not to think about the connotations of the maid outfit, of the words ‘special service’, of the part of himself that took shape as a penis riding a chariot. Of the parts he shared with jerks like Kamoshida. After all, as Igor and the twins could confirm, any time, with that list of theirs, somewhere deep inside, wasn’t there an  _ Incubus _ in him, too?

His phone buzzed, and like a machine his hand responded automatically. He thought of the machines in the spaceport. They didn’t have much longer to deal with that place. Time running out. Time, as always, the enemy.

**SHIHO: Hi Amamiya.**

**SHIHO: Do you have some time?** He almost laughed bitterly at how perfectly timed that question was. But he didn’t want to make Morgana worry. The cat was only just back from his own breakdown. No need to make him think that he was on the verge of one himself.

**REN: Sure. You okay?** he asked, before he realised how stupid a question that was.

**REN: Relatively speaking, of course.**

**SHIHO: I am 100% Gameface.**

**REN: 100% Gameface?**

**SHIHO: Okay 60% Gameface. I wanted to try something.** This sounded more like something Futaba might say, though did recall that the phrase was going around the volleyball team back in spring. He had a flash of Kamoshida telling him to "show me your gameface" during one P.E. lesson. He'd _showed_ him, alright, and the scumbag had quickly called on Mishima to take Ren’s place. Coward…

Morgana, Ren realised, had padded over to check the screen, perhaps in case it was the others. His slitted blue eyes were wide.

“Oho? Isn’t this Lady Ann’s friend?” he asked. Ren nodded. “And you’re messaging her? Aren’t there already enough women around you?” The cat seemed a little bitter. Perhaps he had noticed that Ann had slowly come to act more and more friendly to him? Ren knew that Morgana was, to put it diplomatically, obsessed with Panther.

“Don’t worry, Morgana,” he reassured the cat, scratching him behind the ear. Morgana had, it seemed, come to  _ like _ being fussed as a cat, even though once in a while he still insisted he was human. “I actually told Shiho this too, but I don’t see Ann that way. You’ve got a clear shot, when you’re able to take it.” Morgana looked up at him with wide eyes.

“Is that like, your blessing?” he asked. “I  _ knew _ I chose my ace in the hole well,” he muttered, acting as if that was all of the truth. After his return, after confirming that this was where he felt most at home, Ren knew there was so much more to their friendship than him being the champion Morgana had chosen. His phone buzzed again. Morgana, giddy with happiness, hopped away.

**SHIHO: If you don’t want to that’s okay.** Whoops. He had paused that conversation for a long time,  _ especially _ by lightning-fingers Shiho’s standards.

**REN: I was just waiting for you to say what it was,** he lied.  **I thought it was going to be a big one because you were taking so long.**

**SHIHO: Oh!**

**SHIHO: Haha, Stalker Shiho Strikes Again.**

**REN: So?**

**SHIHO: Can I… call?**

“Call, I’ll be there,” he remembered those words. Words he had spoken in that confident guise of the Joker in Mementos. She couldn’t possibly remember that, but he did, and he felt himself smiling. She was growing back into a less broken person, even if a little at a time.

**REN: I’ll be there,** he reiterated.  **Call any time.** No reply came. He wondered if she would muster the courage. Morgana watched him dutifully from the bed, a smile on his cat face. Ren wondered when he had started being able to recognise what a smile looked like on a cat.

_ Suki Suki Daisuki~  _ his current ringtone, something that had come about in the very recent Phantom Craze, told him his phone was ringing. He had forgotten that he had set that ringtone, given how rarely he turned on the sound, and as Morgana gave him a, he felt slightly judgemental, head tilt, he blushed and answered.

“Hello?” It was a fairly straightforward way to answer the phone. Unassuming, even. So when he got no reply, he checked to make sure who he thought was calling was in fact showing on the screen.

**SUZUI SHIHO**

Well, there it was. 

“Shiho?” he asked. A ragged breath just about caught the other end of the line. Stalker Shiho indeed, he thought. But no. This wasn’t a cliche ‘heavy breathing’ phone call. That was a  _ caught _ breath. “If it’s too much, just say so. Or text so,” he said, in his soft voice. He was used to using this voice most of the time now. He had been a confident child, but issues with his parents - fights at home, and eventually, his record, expulsion,  _ abandonment _ to this time-trial prison, had led to him becoming quiet and nondescript by necessity. Just keep out of trouble, he remembered Sojiro saying. But he was more plain around his friends, and he had let that more confident voice out when he answered. Now he made himself seem meek again, for her.

“Really, if it’s too much,” he said, softly, “then hang up and text me, okay?” There was a soft, almost inaudible whimper, but she didn’t put the phone down, so he kept the mic away from his own mouth - the last thing he wanted her to hear was his own breathing on the line - and just listened. The line was quiet for what felt like a few minutes, until another ragged breath rumbled his ear. A sigh?

“Thank you, Amamiya,” she whispered. It was barely registering on the earpiece, but he heard the gratitude and the disappointment all rolled into one. She was growing, adjusting. She wanted it to be faster, but she was happy. She was a complex series of contradictory emotions - a ‘broken’ person. But she was becoming less broken every step. Even though she said nothing more, he could, he thought, feel a sad smile through the phone, and a flutter of sympathy - unwanted he knew but unavoidable - and determination to get her where she wanted to get. His heartbeat was all he could hear, until...

“Can you…” her voice was more than a whisper now, but still so faint. “Can you try one more time, just to say goodbye? I’ll try not to…” not to flinch, he wondered? Not to gasp or whimper? Every reaction reminded him that he, like every other human, had some  _ wrong _ in him, that people who had suffered the way Shiho had could feel, could  _ fear _ . He felt his own happiness mixing with sadness, mirroring hers.

“Have a good night, Shiho-chan,” he tried adding the honorific. He still heard her breath catch, like a tiny, almost soundless hiccough, or the beating of butterfly wings. “Bye.”

“B-bye…” he heard, soft, frightened, but determined. Sad but happy as the line went dead. He felt like he understood her more and more, and that she in turn understood him. His heart swelled.

**Adjustment Confidant, Rank 4**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised that the in person stuff was a long way off. But as you can see, we edge closer. I like to think Joker is only a little ashamed of his terrible taste in music, but also, as ‘Joker’ he always seems so cocky, and a song inspired by the Phantom Thieves is right up his mildly narcissistic alley.  
> The scene with Kamoshida telling Ren to show him his game face that is mentioned is lifted direct from P5 the Animation, cowardly copout and all.  
> Had to stay home to look after my son today and so today will have multiple updates due to extra writing time!


	6. A Good Bit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiho is mending. Ren feels better for helping her. He always feels better for helping. It never lasts.

**9/28**

He decided to forgo the massage, and opted to get bedrest instead. Besides, now that he knew what he was doing, the person he most wanted to spend time with today, to help them, to understand them, didn’t need a lot of energy, just patience. After seeing Haru today, awakening to herself in full, he felt like he could manage anything. Seeing one of the people he came to care about come into themselves so fully always left him feeling inspired, and was probably a big part of why he himself hadn’t collapsed under the weight of all the evil he had had to see, to do what he was doing. For a change, he picked up his phone, and shuffled until Morgana got the idea and leapt off of his chest.

“What gives?” the cat complained. “I thought you were going to bed.”

“I am but,” he waved his phone. “There’s someone I wanted to talk to.”

“Still trying to help that Suzui girl?” Morgana nodded sagely. “I’ll give you space to work, then.” And with that, the cat hopped onto the window ledge and then onto a rooftop outside. “I’ll be back,” he said, and, a little solemnly, “promise.” Ren nodded, smiling. He knew it now. The cat  _ always  _ came back the very next day.

He lifted the phone, opened the chat, and began typing.

**REN: Hey.**

**SHIHO: Hi, Amamiya,** her reply came, blazing fast, as if she had been holding the phone the whole time. Maybe she had.

**REN: I saw another person face a difficult choice today. I wanted you to know.**

**SHIHO: Another of you and Ann’s *rapidly* growing group of friends?**

**REN: Uh oh, now *you’re* jealous,** he smiled. Their messaging conversations were, at least, getting more and more comfortable.

**SHIHO: Am not!** It felt like the lady didst protest too much.

**SHIHO: Only a little,** she then confirmed.

**SHIHO: I miss that. Having friends.**

**REN: No new ones at the all girls’ school?**

**SHIHO: Girls. Are. The. Worst.**

**REN: I told you.**

**SHIHO: It’s because I’m new, *and* quiet.**

**SHIHO: I don’t know how you did it back then.**

**REN: Did what?**

**SHIHO: Handled the murmuring, the looks, and made friends.**

**REN: It was hard,** he admitted, thinking back to what it took to make friends back in spring. Turns out, facing demons in a world where thoughts are real could really bring a band of misfits together.  **In fact, hardships were a big part of *how* I made friends. Facing things together.**

**SHIHO: Like how you’re helping me face things.**

**SHIHO: And now we’re…**

**SHIHO: Are we friends?** Ridiculous question, he thought, after all the late night messaging sessions, and the conversations they had, textually, had about her new school, and her little brother’s home exploits. Her mother. Neatly avoiding talking about her dad. It had been hard, but they were more and more comfortable with each other in that digital, written world.

**REN: I hope so, or I’ve been breaking rule one of Stranger Danger!** Ren felt comfortable joking with her now, and as long as he stuck to it on the chat and didn’t push her toward calling or mentioning too much about guys, she didn’t leave long pauses in her replies any more. Case in point.

**SHIHO: Stalker Shiho has become Stranger Danger Shiho? Watch out!**

**SHIHO: Ehehe.** There was about a thirty second pause, which, again, was long for Shiho.

**SHIHO: Can we try to talk again?** She must have been in a good mood. The method they had tried to take another step toward  _ her _ rehabilitation hadn’t been brought up once in the intervening days, and Ren knew better than to press it.

**REN: I told you. Any time. I’ll be there.** One of her now rare pauses. After a minute, the phone buzzed, long, long, long. Not a chain of messages but a call. He probably could have gotten away with leaving the sound on today now that Morgana was gone. That cat had been snickering about his ‘oddly popular’ taste in music since the last time.

“Hello?” Ren answered in his softest voice. Lessons learned from the last time. What he heard was still a caught breath - sharp, on the verge of coming back out as a shriek, he felt.

“H-hi…” her voice was tiny. She had always seemed quiet at school, but her quietness since that incident had gone far beyond that. It was like she was trying to fade into the background, become unnoticeable, undetectable. Like me, he thought. But hers was more than an affectation - it was a mechanism, a way to cope.

“Shiho-chan,” he smiled, “I’m glad you called.”

“R-really…?” her voice was so  _ frightened _ but he knew she didn’t want to be seen as weak, didn’t want to  _ be _ weak, so he just nodded - as if that was going to do anything - and answered.

“Really, Shiho-chan,” his voice was lowered even beyond its normal tone. “I’m happy to hear you, it proves I was right, that day in the car.”

“Mm.” It was just an affirmative sound, but it wasn’t stuttered, at least, and it felt determined to show she agreed. “Sorry that I lied.” That one was a whisper.

“We all lie to ourselves,” he said, “I lied to myself a lot in Spring.”

“But you’ve become strong for real, Ann agrees,” she said, her voice coming back up to a quiet murmur.

“There’s a trick to it,” said the trickster. “There’s always a trick.”

“Can you…” she was fading in and out of whispers, “teach me?”

“ _ Act _ like the lie is true,” he said, “until it  _ becomes _ true. I acted like I could handle all the evil I was seeing, until eventually…” But could he? Perhaps he was still acting. He wondered sometimes. Was half a year really enough time to come to terms with the idea that he was one of few people truly battling evil at its source?

“I was never any good at acting…” Shiho let out a couple of breaths that he thought might have been something like laughter, but then another sucked in breath made him think maybe it was tears. Maybe it was both.

“Maybe you’ll have your own trick,” he said, a little less quietly. “You  _ are  _ strong enough to see it through, though, Shiho,” he dropped the honorific. “I promise you. You’ve already shown me, now you just have to show yourself.”

“I hope you’re right…” she trailed off.

“I know I am, because I still remember you lecturing me about not letting it get to me,” he smiled.

“L-lecturing…” she practically squeaked it. “I didn’t mean- It wasn’t- I’m sorry…”

“It was a good lecture,” he clarified, “and it showed me your strength. It’s a quiet strength though, and people who see you don’t expect it.  _ You _ don’t even seem to expect it. I hope some day you get to see yourself the way Ann does, and I do.”

“Y-you…?” Her voice was back to a whisper. He remembered thinking how affectionate Ann was to her friend. How much she loved her. Perhaps Shiho had thought the same thing, because, even as his face warmed, she made a little, frightened squeak, and the line went dead.

Ten long minutes passed before the first message came, followed lightning-quick by more.

**SHIHO: Sorry, it got a bit much…**

**SHIHO: But a good bit…**

**SHIHO: I think…**

**SHIHO: Thank you, Ren-kun.** Finally, she had used his given name.

**REN: Next time you want to call me,** he messaged,  **don’t ask permission.**

**SHIHO: Call any time...?** It was a quote, he realised, of his own words, just with the added question mark.

**REN: I’ll be there.**

**SHIHO: Now there’s two people I rely on.**

**SHIHO: Thank you, Ren-kun.**

**SHIHO: I promise I’ll make it through the next call!** Her determination glittered on the screen like reflections from metal, like a long chain scattered into bright sunlight. Suzui Shiho was becoming whole again, piece by neatly glued piece. He had a feeling, when she was finished, she would be more than she had been before - gold paint turning the damage into beauty.

**Adjustment Confidant, Rank 5**

Oh crap, he thought, shaking off the image of Shiho in a shattered, repaired, gold-lined mask, he was starting to think like  _ Yusuke _ . The painter’s frequent dalliances into Mementos to master his art, interspersing fighting with discussion of beauty, was obviously starting to rub off on him. That’s what it must have been. Never mind that Ren felt like he wanted to pick up a gold paint laden brush himself to make sure the beauty he had imagined would come to pass…

**REN: Take your time,** he replied with a smile, for the first time in a long time not feeling that those words were unpleasant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Japanese, rather than the question mark, there is the ‘ka’ particle, which turns a phrase into a question. In the case of Shiho quoting Ren’s ‘Call any time’, the original would have ended on a definite instruction form, meaning you shouldn’t just be able to add a ‘ka’ to the end and make it a question ‘call any time?’, rather it would look like a quote very obviously. So it would look like ‘Call me any time’? to a Japanese person.  
> The painting of gold onto the cracks of a repaired thing is real thing in Japanese aesthetics. It’s called Kintsukuroi, or golden repair, and it supposed to leave the broken thing more beautiful than it was before it was broken, a fantastic metaphor, I think.


	7. Shadowed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joker is reeling - the death of one of his targets haunting him. Almost as if she knows that helping others helps Ren, Shiho offers him a new opportunity to help her. She wants him to come try out a _café_ of all things.

**10/12**

**SHIHO: I heard from Ann. Okumura’s daughter is one of your new friends?** Bleary eyed, Amamiya stared at the message. More than anything right now he wanted to  _ avoid _ thinking about the ‘change of heart’ Okumura Kunikazu had just undergone, but then, he thought, if he ran away from it, even in this small way, wouldn’t he be betraying Shiho’s struggle  _ not _ to run? Morgana had gone for a nighttime walk at his suggestion when the message came in, but it had been almost an hour and he still had no idea how to respond to it. He probably could have thought for a while longer, but the long buzzing of a phone call and his screen changed.

**SUZUI SHIHO**

This was no longer unusual. Shiho had taken to snatching quick calls from him any spare moment over about the last week. She whispered less each time, and last time, she had even managed to say a proper goodbye. He wasn’t ready for this call, though, not in his state, but…

Call any time, I’ll be there, he thought.

“Hello?” A small breath of steadying on the other end of the line.

“You don’t sound good,” Shiho’s faint, though stronger than before, voice was less afraid-sounding today, more… comforting? Was she becoming that much of her old self. “I can’t just lecture you not to let it get to you this time…” she continued.

“It’s…” he had no idea what to say. He certainly couldn’t help her in this state. “It’s bad.”

“I’m going to be in Ikebukuro…” she said, almost like it was an aside. It didn’t sound like the kind of thing that followed from what he had said. “Tonight, with my mother. She’s been taking me out places other than school. We avoid any large crowds but there’s a nice café…”

He breathed in the smell of coffee from downstairs. Nice café, huh? He was, with Sojiro’s help, spoiled for life when it came to coffee. That man had ruined him for all other cafés. But, was that an… invitation?

“I do like coffee,” he admitted, quietly. “Could I check it out, too?” he tried.

“I’d… like that. My mother will be there, so it’s not like…” she seemed to be looking for the right words, after almost twenty seconds of silence she sighed. “I have no idea what the opposite of cold turkey is. Do you?” Was that breathing sound her laugh? He had heard it a few times after she had made something like a joke. It wasn’t much, but even with all the awful going on right now Ren nearly teared up each time he heard it. It was beautiful. Broken but not weak, repairing, golden.

“What’s the name?” he asked.

Café Ombreggiato was, in a number of ways, a lot like LeBlanc. Tucked away on a back street on the edge of Ikebukuro, it even had a laundrette just across the way. There the similarities ended. LeBlanc had a quiet, almost somber atmosphere, with its sharp-edged master with only biting or nonchalant words. The mistress of Ombreggiato was foreign, bright eyed, with coffee skin, and a cheerful disposition. Along with the aroma of - honestly well made in his nearing-expert opinion - coffee, he could see arrayed on the counter, far better suited to hot drinks, a selection of pastries and cakes. In the farthest corner, and beyond an empty table that had been (he suspected by request) marked as reserved, a woman with her back to him sat at a table with a familiar face, black hair ponytailed, eyes dark and sad. Shiho was facing the door, and had seen him come in, probably another decision she and her mother had made consciously.

She did, for a moment, have a flash of that fear in her eyes when she saw him. The same fear Orestes had had when he had chased it on Mara. That felt like an incredibly stupid decision now that he thought about it. What effect must that have had on her subconscious? But the fear was replaced with a smile, and she said something to the woman, her mother, who turned and looked, smiled far more brightly than Ren had been expecting, and then stood up to move round to Shiho’s side of the table. A barrier against him, he thought, but this was still better than anything so far. Shiho said something again, and then her mother, still smiling, waved him over.

“H-hi,” Shiho stuttered, looking down.

“Hey,” he smiled, giving her his softest voice, it could probably only just be heard over the sounds of the coffee heating nearby.

“You must be Amamiya-san,” Shiho’s mother was, honestly, beaming. “Shiho said she wanted to see if she could handle a friend meeting her but. I didn’t think…”

“She’s strong,” Ren smiled politely to her, and then to Shiho, “I told you you were.” It was incredible that this meeting had done what he thought nothing would have been able to do only a short while before. Amamiya Ren had managed to get the death of Okumura out of his mind, and as the conversation continued, it stayed out. It felt like the world was a good place for a moment. It felt like he had all the time he needed.

“I’m…” Shiho stuttered. “I’m still terrified. I shake every time mother takes me out…”

“It’s to be expected though, right?” her mother asked. Ren didn’t answer. Shiho wouldn’t want him to think she should be expected to be broken, he knew. This was her resolve.

“ _ Mother _ …” Shiho’s voice was quieter for a second. But when she looked up, there was more than just faint resolve in those dark eyes. There was fire, real, burning determination. For an instant Ren would have sworn they flashed gold, as if they were in  _ that place _ . “Can you... get a coffee for Ren-kun, please?”

“Are you sure?” her mother asked, no longer smiling, but concerned. Ren saw Shiho waver, and decided that he could help her up the steps more than a dozen times. These steps she was climbing now, any time she stumbled, he would hold her up, in any way, metaphorically, literally, he would help her glue herself together in gold.

“If it’s not too much trouble,” he smiled softly at her mother, and gave her his meekest voice, the voice he had used to disappear into the background at Shujin, the voice that had made everyone see him as nobody, his affectation. He was a master of it now, and Shiho’s mother bought it, harder than the Guardian of the Pond at Ichigaya. “I want to see how their house blend is. I’m afraid living with a coffee shop owner has spoiled me but the smell here is amazing.”

“Oh, all right,” she said, but still looked pityingly at her daughter. “I’ll be a few steps away, honey,” she added. Shiho’s bowed head only nodded. Her mother stepped away to the counter. She would still be able to hear them speak, if either of them spoke like normal people, but by choice or habit, these were the two quietest humans in the world, or that was how it felt to Joker.

“Thank you,” she muttered, looking up again. The fear was still there, but so was the fire. It could have been the flame from the coffee siphons that had caught her eye, he thought, but the gold from before had felt so real. “She’s…”

“She expects you to be broken,” he said, softly, but plainly. “It must be hard. You prove her wrong daily. Eventually she’ll see that.”

“I don’t think she will,” Shiho’s eyes glittered. Tears? He shook his head.

“Be patient with her. What broke you broke a part of her too, the part that wants to protect you. Normally she would keep all that protectiveness measured, but,” he looked over at the siphons, and Shiho followed his gaze. “Those carefully push water up, then when they cool, pull the brewed coffee down - a normal mother on a normal day has to let her daughter come to her with what problems she dares, the water pushes up. The mother takes that problem and all the care she has, but only gives back the brewed result, the protection she knows her daughter could bear, through a filter.”

He looked back to her, and she was rapt, the fear was gone. She wanted to understand, too, because just like him, Shiho cared. Cared about everyone, even her overprotective mother. He smiled.

“The vessel at the bottom breaks, and you have boiling water on the floor,” he went on. “A big scene, that’s what happened. And in the rush to pick up the pieces, the top container has been tipped over. She’s trying to come down to where you are and keep you safe, but the filter isn’t there anymore, coffee grounds spilling into the water. It’s, literally, a hot mess.” He looked back to where Shiho’s mother was. “Wait until she picks herself up, or someone else picks her up. Let her do what she does and let her look for her own help, her own connections. When she’s upright again the filter will be there, and maybe you’ll be able to come back together in peace…”

He hadn’t been thinking about it, but he had put his hand on the table. He only noticed because a cool, soft hand touched it. The same hand from before, trembling, sweating again. He looked back at Shiho, who was about to burst into tears, her eyes shiny and full. The quake in her hand made it to her shoulder. It definitely wasn’t the siphon, the fire was all in her eyes. Even through the fear, and the sadness, her determination was clear and fierce. He felt it in his chest and in his cheeks. He was closer to her than ever, and she was closer to whole. The image flashed in his mind of cracks painted gold.

**Adjustment Confidant, Rank 6**

Shiho seemed to hold his hand, and smile through those tears and tremors, for a long while, but her eyes flicked to the side and she snapped the hand back, and looked back down. Ren withdrew his own, just before her mother reappeared and a hot mug of coffee was slid in front of him.

“Are you okay, Shiho honey?” she asked, sliding back in. The volleyball starlet nodded, but tears were dripping from her cheeks. “You’re crying, she frowned, and looked at Ren. “What were you two talking about?”

“Coffee,” he said, a half-lie. “Sorry, told you I was a bit of a nerd for it.”

“He was,” Shiho backed him up, looking up with a tearful smile, and he caught a determined flash in her eyes as she did. “I’m just so happy I could  _ talk _ to him at all.” Her mother seemed to accept that these were happy tears.

The rest of the meeting carried on with Shiho asking, honestly, questions about how he had known so much about the coffee makers in the café, and both she and her mother seemed fascinated to learn about his guardian. He carefully avoided mentioning the  _ why _ of it, of course, and this was just enough to let reality creep back into his thoughts. He didn’t even make it home before the events of yesterday were at the forefront of his mind, and, Morgana not yet returned, he fell asleep crying.

Had their justice done this? Had they rushed into stealing Okumura’s desires? Had they not had  _ enough time _ ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ren showing off his coffee trivia, Ren being quiet and unassuming to the public, but the confident trickster and fix-it to his friends and confidants. These are all normal, but as always, my Ren has something else going on. All is not right with the Joker. The Wild Card needs some grounding of his own, and as usual, my rendition is caught on this idea that he is restrained more than anything by time. The only thing that saves him from it is knowing he is really helping a friend.  
> Ombreggiato is italian, another rich coffee culture, and means shadowed. As opposed to LeBlanc, with its dimly lit, chic interior and its name meaning the white, or light, I wanted his meeting place with Shiho to be a parallel and opposite, so its name is dark, but its nature is bright.  
> Hope you enjoyed!


	8. Trust The Hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiho is of two minds. Ren makes a mistake. Ann's trust saves the day.

**10/31**

Her room was dark. Shiho didn’t spend an awful lot of time with the lights on any more. The school, Shujin, had been well illuminated too, and in her bedroom she was most likely to see  _ herself _ , and she didn’t like to see her own body in the light any more. Night was less scary to her than anything else, and darkness seemed to be her friend. One light did shine out, though. One wonderful, pleasant light scorching out of a tiny rectangle and showing her the hope of not being a broken thing any more.

**REN: I wondered if you wanted to come try *real* coffee.**

Usually she replied so quickly to Ren-kun. But since that cafe meeting she had shivered at the thought of seeing him again, in more ways than her fragile, damaged heart was ready to be honest about. Fear plucked at her and she had realised that she had to wish for things that were reasonable. She thought again to what Ann had told her about her feelings for this wonderful, terrifying boy. Ann deserved happiness, for all the effort she had been putting into her life. Wishing for that was reasonable, right? Ann and Ren were close. It could happen.

But the offer swam in her vision and in her mind. Coffee. It was almost a  _ date _ .

For ten minutes she cried as implications of that word tormented her - maybe he did like her. Or maybe he  _ wanted _ her. It was easy to want someone, and surely easier still if you knew that she was  _ able to be had _ . At the forefront of her mind was the thought that she didn’t think Ren was like that. But then, she remembered first year at Shujin. She had thought  _ he _ wasn’t like that, either.  _ He _ had been a hard taskmaster,  _ he _ had challenged her but helped her improve. The parallels were there, weren’t they?  _ He _ and Ren had things in common. Tousled dark hair. Strength - the physical kind, at least. Certainly when he had helped Ann carry her down the stairs, as her breathing had quickened (not because of the pain but because a boy was touching her, and as much as she fought against it she had been shaking and hyperventilating with fear) she had felt the young man’s power. He had obviously been doing a lot, physically, the muscles not the showy kind, but the kind that left a wiry, terrifying person, unnoticed but powerful.

Amamiya Ren was the closest man to her. Amamiya Ren  _ terrified _ her. Amamiya Ren  _ excited  _ her. Amamiya Ren  _ confused  _ her.

Amamiya Ren was  _ calling  _ her.

**AMAMIYA REN**

Her phone buzzed and she wiped the tears from her eyes. This wasn’t the first time he had initiated a call. In the many weeks since that meeting in the cafe she had even  _ asked _ him to initiate the call, to see if she could handle it. Slowly but surely she was letting him challenge her but help her improve - that parallel again made her shiver. She had been messaging Ren casually all evening, but the last message she had sent was over an hour ago now, and she had left him hanging. She had  _ told _ him to call her if she did that, to push her boundaries. She rubbed her eyes on her sleeve and dragged the icon to the green circle.

“H-hello,” she squeaked. Damn. Way to show him that  _ strength _ he seems to see in you, Shiho, she thought.

“If you’re not okay,” his voice was silk-soft. His special voice for her. Softer even than the one he seemed to use to protect himself from the world. That made her heart flutter and her fear flutter all at once, two butterflies warring over whether to star in a traditional painting or start a hurricane. “All you need to do is tell me. You know I’ll go at your pace.”

“I know,” she said, her voice back to normal - normal for the new her, at least. Quiet as his, his equal. Her heart again. Her fear again. Her eyes filled with tears.

“I  _ want _ to,” she said. “I… I  _ will _ . Where is this coffee?” she said, sniffling.

“Remember, you don’t-”

“...have to.” You might not think so, she thought, but that thing inside me, the one that wanted to run,  _ it _ needs me to, or it’ll take over again. “I said I  _ want _ to.”

“Okay,” she heard him sigh. Relief? Sadness that she was pushing herself? Please, she thought, don’t let him coddle me and treat me as broken, too. He was the only one who didn’t. She needed that. She needed him. Her heart and fear danced circles around each other. He paused, one beat of the wings, two. “How well do you know Yongenjaya?”

**11/1**

Shiho was clutching her phone in her one free hand, the other on her crutch. She was down to one now. The phone was her lifeline. If things changed, if Ren tipped too far to terrifying and away from wonderful, her mother’s number was on the screen, all she had to do was unlock and tap. Gods but it had taken  _ everything  _ to get her mother to allow her to do this. Promises and reassurances and every step of the way Shiho had wondered if it was worth it. If  _ he  _ was. Her fear and heart beat together, a painting of a hurricane, undecided. Café LeBlanc looked a lot like Ombreggiato, at least from the outside. A red-haired girl crouched nearby, playing with a black and white cat, and the whole area was quiet, especially for Tokyo. When she stepped in, it was a different world. An old style entry bell announced her. An old painted bakelite yellow phone was directly ahead. What looked like antique coffee makers hissed. Worn paperbacks sat in a stand on the counter. Amamiya Ren was behind them.

Her heart, the white butterfly, beat its wings in beautiful watercolour. Her fear, the black butterfly, beat its wings, desperate to start a gale. One beat. Two.

Ren was wearing an apron, and the steam from the coffee makers that made the air inside so humid mixed with the cold air she brought in and made his glasses translucent, rather than transparent, for a moment, so he didn’t seem to notice it had been her who entered. He greeted her with a formal welcome, like a shopkeeper. She didn’t notice any other shop staff around.

“H-hi…” she stammered, his face lit up.

“Booth at the back is yours,” he said, grinning. “But you might have to share.”

“Huh?” That thought shot through her, the fear almost claimed the win. The heartbeat butterfly fluttered feebly. She looked to the end booth. Silvery blonde hair, facing away from her was slowly turning to meet her with bright, friendly eyes. Ann.

“Hii~” she said, in her usual, sing-song way, and tears erupted from Shiho’s eyes. She shuffled, but quickly, to the table. “Ren thought you might want someone there, but…” she smiled past Shiho toward the young man, “not your mom, right?”

“He’s,” Shiho was smiling even as she sat, even as the tears kept coming. Even as she wiped them on her arm. “ _ So stupidly reliable _ .” She made it sound like a curse. She had been chatting so much with Ann, but the other girl was  _ so busy _ , Ren must really have taken her heart if he could get this girl to take a day off just to help  _ her _ . At least it was easy to talk when it was just her best friend. Soon, though, her speech dropped back to its new normal, as Ren approached. She almost cried again as she said thank you, as a steaming blend was placed in front of her. She hated herself. How could she talk so normally when it was just Ann but hardly at all when it was face to face with him? Ann seemed to notice her change, either in mood or mannerism.

“Still hard, huh?” her friend was giving her a small, sad smile when she looked back up from the  _ delicious _ smelling coffee she had been staring at. “Ren said you’re doing great, though, so don’t beat yourself up, yeah?”

“Yeah,” she said, not quite believing she could manage that.

“Anyway, he wanted you to try his coffee,” Ann said, gesturing. “He’s, like, mad into it now. Guess because of his guardian.”

“Sojiro, wasn’t it?” Shiho asked, looking past Ann at Ren. He smiled softly at her.

One beat. Two. A painting of a hurricane.

“We just call him Boss,” Ann said, an inscrutable kind of smile on her face.

“Your new friends?” Shiho said. She tried very, very hard not to let her sadness out into her voice. She was still watching the boy behind the counter. “Didn’t you say you come here and hang out in the attic? What do you even get up to?” There was a pause, when she looked back to Ann, she saw something she wasn’t expecting in her bright eyes. Sadness. Ann was still smiling, but it was not reaching her eyes.

Ann was keeping a secret from her.

“Oh~” Ann put on her sing-song voice again, “this and that. We went to the beach to help Futaba get back to being around people, we’ve been to a theme park.” This all seemed true, but Shiho felt like there was more. She looked over at Ren again as the bell for the door opened. A rather severe looking man in a white blazer entered, and she flinched immediately. Ann, in the corner of her vision, frowned and looked behind her, then smiled.

“Hey, Boss!” she turned to Shiho. “He looks scary, but he really is a good guy, at least to Ren.” Ann stood up and moved around the table to slide in next to Shiho. “He’ll probably be relieving Ren, too.” Sure enough, the man took of the coat and hat, and donned an apron just like Ren’s, and the boy took his off, and joined them. Shiho stiffened. Heart and fear. One beat.

“Sorry, had to cover for Sojiro,” he said. “Thanks for this, Ann.”

“No problem,” Ann beamed, flashing her best smile.

"I know he's your guardian," Shiho muttered, half a whimper, "but…"

"He's a bit much even for me," Ren admitted. "We can go to the attic. Ann can be our chaperone," he smiled at her.

Beat. Beat. Still life of a butterfly. Ren was safe. Ren wasn't a hurricane in the making.

They helped her up the stairs together. She had taken Ren's hand again. Beat. Butterfly painting. The physical power was still there, stronger even, and he probably didn't need Ann's help to get her up there, but she welcomed it. This time, when they sat her on the sofa in what was clearly Ren's room, she wasn't panting, wasn't shaking like a leaf. Maybe a small tremble, but it wasn't fearful, not entirely. The room was oddly well lived in. A decorative model of the Skytree shone in one corner. Small dolls lined the top of the workbench. A massive Phantom Thieves poster adorned the wall behind her.

Of  _ course _ Ren was into those characters. They somehow captivated the whole nation. Maybe the world. She couldn't help wonder why they had waited so long to deal with  _ him _ , though. To her their heroism was a distant thing, news, not reality. She shook her head. Time to focus on her best friend in the whole world and Ren, the boy her best friend liked.

Beat, hurricane.

What? Why did that thought make the fear come back? She bowed her head and fought against it. Back to before. Back to that feeling when she had thought nothing bad could come of this new friendship. She couldn't think straight.

"Was it okay?" Ann asked quietly, sitting down beside her, grasping her by the shoulders. "You know, getting Ren to help with the stairs. It scared you last time…"

Ren, who had taken a seat on his bed on the far side looked up sadly, could he  _ hear  _ Ann’s whispering from all the way over there? Impossible. It would take superhuman senses. Then again, she could imagine him as the kind of comic-book hero who ended up with such things.

“It was okay,” Shiho said, smiling at Ann. “But I still need you here, don’t I? It means I’m still just,” she trailed off. That was a lie. That was nothing to do with why she was sad right now, but Ann bought it as easily as her own mother had bought Ren’s act.

“I told you not to beat yourself up,” Ann chided, but with a smile. Shiho nodded. “Soo~” she continued, but why the sing-song now? That was reserved for greetings, playful things and… teasing. “You’d rather be able to be here  _ alone _ ?” Ann smirked.

“Ann-!” Shiho looked over again, at Ren. He was still looking at them, and had a tiny, uncertain smile on his face. He  _ couldn’t _ her them, right? “Is there another chair?” the broken girl asked, out loud. “I did come to see you, even if I’m really happy to see Ann again…” Ann, unhelpfully, nudged her and wiggled her pale eyebrows. “Shh you,” she hissed. Ren busied himself grabbing a stool from the stack of furniture by the stairs, turned and carried it towards them. But then the stool leg caught Ren’s bag. It tumbled, and out of it fell a number of things - school supplies, a book - but only two of which stood out to Shiho immediately.

There was a wicked looking knife. There was a glinting pistol.

There was a hurricane.

Shiho looked away, terrified to even consider it. But she couldn’t stop her mind. It roared at her, gale force. What would a nice boy like Ren need a gun for, or a knife? Why didn’t Ann react the same way. She heard the stool stop a few paces away and, from where her eyes were on the floor, she saw Ren’s feet as he took the seat. Her legs felt weak. Her heart was pounding. Why did they act as if nothing was wrong?! She looked up, and the bag was in the same position, but the gun, and the knife, were nowhere to be seen.

She sucked in an uneasy breath. Had she imagined it? Had the fear become so strong it triggered hallucinations? She couldn’t rule it out. But… the Phantom banner, the weapons, the odd new friend group for Ann.

She dared to consider that Amamiya Ren and her friend might be knee deep in something terrifying.

“You look like you saw a ghost,” Ren said. It was his special voice, the one he used just for her. “Sorry, I can scoot back.”

“It’s okay,” she said, but it came out with a peculiar warbling effect. Ren looked at Ann, and Ann back at him, and she looked between them. “So you two…” she needed to change the subject. She needed to get them on the back foot. She needed to  _ do  _ something. “You spend a  _ lot _ of time together.”

Ann, predictably, blushed. Ren, contrary to all the sensibilities of everyone their age, was implacable.

“Ann’s a good friend,” Ren smiled. “She and I talked a lot about what was happening back in Spring. When she was seeing you, me and Ryuji were about a hair’s breadth from being expelled by… well… you know who.” He looked directly at Ann. “We went through a lot together, and we kept hold of that camaraderie, I guess.”

Camaraderie was an odd choice of words. And what about their other friends, those that Ann had talked about? Yusuke, he was an artist, and hadn’t the news said something about an artist confessing after a visit from the Phantoms? She had even called one of them Okumura…

“That’s,” Ann stumbled on her words a moment. “Yeah, exactly! We’re trouble-buddies. I’m just glad that’s all over!” Her voice was loud. It was Ann’s overacting voice. Shiho knew that voice.

“I… think I need to get home…” she said, hoping that they wouldn’t stop her. Terrified they would. It would be all too easy for Ren to hold her in place. She shuddered.

“Sure, let’s help you get downstairs,” Ren said with an easy smile. Was it that easy for him to lie? Her shudder was turning into a tremor, and as he approached, she flinched. “Ann…?”

It was that same one word, one look thing he had done with her best friend on the roof of her old school. Ann seemed to know his intent with just that signal, like they were partners in something that needed that kind of rapport. Like they were Phantom Thieves. Her face ashen, she let Ann carry her down the stairs alone, though she didn’t seem to struggle at all with it. When did  _ she _ get so strong?

"Shiho," Ann took both her shoulders when her mother arrived outside with the car and messaged her. The broken girl couldn't help give a little shudder at how forceful the gesture was. Ann's eyes were bright, fiery, but tinged with softness. "Whatever you feel you need to fear from Ren, I promise you, he's literally the nicest person in Tokyo. Possibly the world. I never realised until today, until watching him trying to help you get back to yourself, but he really cares about you. I…"

"Do you trust him?" she asked, almost dispassionately. Because of that, the way Ann's eyes blazed when she answered made Shiho feel ashamed for doubting her friend's choice of company.

"With my life, Shiho."

As the part-repaired Shiho hobbled to her mother's car, she found that she believed her friend was not exaggerating, and even though the fear beat hard in her, her heart beat harder. She found she trusted Amamiya Ren even in spite of the fact he may be a Phantom Thief. Even though he might be the one who had dragged her best friend into that world. She found that the hurricane was being held at bay by the frame of the painting. She trusted the nicest person in Tokyo. She trusted someone she was convinced might just be the most  _ dangerous _ person in Tokyo.

**Adjustment Confidant, Rank 7**

She had no idea how both of these things could be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shiho is very observant. Part of her new tendency to look everywhere for threats.  
> The butterfly image has been in my head since the get go, as has the idea of kintsukuroi. Things that will feature heavily in her awakening, and other things to come. Things that are broken can be fixed. Something that has become whole after surviving being broken is all the more beautiful for it.  
> Thanks for reading! More soon. A weekend full of writing time awaits!


	9. Expectation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren dies, Shiho cries. But she needs to be sure. Once she is sure, and learns that rumours of his death have been greatly exaggerated, she comes to a decision. She's going to be selfish, rather than broken.

**11/20**

Shiho had thought that the feeling of leaving her school and her closest friends had been what heartbreak felt like. But today it felt like it had disintegrated. It was dust, and if she cried much longer that would be what was left coming out of her eyes, too.

She had been laying in bed, reading the news, wondering why things had been so quiet about the phantoms for these last couple of weeks. The headline had felt like a bullet. Worse. A bullet could injure you. A bullet could bring you physical pain. The headline felt like strong, unwanted hands on her shoulders, pinning her to a wall. It felt like humiliation and suffering of more than just the body.

**PHANTOM THIEVES' LEADER DEAD**

_ The leader of the Phantom Thieves, a second year student at a local high school known to have been the starting point of their exploits, was found dead in his cell today. Reports from the SIU suggest he stole the gun from his guard and took his own life at around 9:15 P.M. _

Their leader. That sounded like exactly what he would have been. Knowing how Ann responded to his calling of her name and pointed look. Knowing how measured he was. But he couldn't… he wouldn't… The storm raged in her, the black butterfly prevailing. If even that wonderful, terrifying, exhilarating, gentle, kind, dangerous boy had been pushed to killing himself, what hope even was there for her?

  
  


**11/21**

**SHIHO: Ann…**

**SHIHO: Can you tell me if Ren-kun is okay?**

She had sent the message an hour ago. It was afternoon, after school. She really hoped Ann wasn't busy in some modelling job. Not today. She needed to know. Was Ren the Phantom Thieves leader? Of course she couldn't ask directly. The waiting was like torture. Who could have known that time itself could feel so oppressive, even imprisoning? It was close to six, almost evening. How long would Ann keep her waiting? Or was her friend too grief stricken? Had she just learned her leader was dead? There was nobody else she could ask about this… Just as she was ready to go back to crying, her phone buzzed.

**ANN: Was okay last time I saw him,** she replied.

**ANN: Why not ask him yourself?** None of that confirmed anything! Ann had perfect plausible deniability. She decided to take the plunge anyway, and do as she suggested. She tapped on the chat with Ren. It had been about a week since their last messages, days since he last called.

Please don't be dead, she thought.

**SHIHO: Stalker Shiho would like to know if she needs a new victim. Please respond.** She knew he wasn't as fast as her on the phone. He was a quick talker, but his touchscreen game needed a lot of work, so she kept herself as calm as she could manage, tears threatening to overfill her eyes any second, for minute after minute, staring unblinking at the stubbornly silent chat screen.

**REN: Pretty poor excuse for a stalker if you don't know where I am at all times, aren't you?**

**REN: Don't quit your day job.**

Shiho laughed, a genuine guffaw, and felt the heat of the tears streaming down. She wracked painfully with an audible sob, and another laugh. He was alive. The storm was abating. Another uncontrollable spasm brought another loud sob. And another. Soon the sobbing became wailing, and she couldn't see her screen to answer. She was so happy, so relieved, why couldn't the tears stop? She flopped onto her side, phone still in her hand, in her blurred field of vision, she could see more messages appearing but the content was washed to meaninglessness. Unable to stop, Shiho cried herself to sleep in her bed, not the first time in recent months, but definitely the first without the tears being sad ones. She would reply in the morning.

  
  


**11/24**

Shiho had learned something about herself over days of casual, friendly chatting and phone calls with Ren. She had learned she was selfish. It had taken her days to face the truth of it, but it came from her own heart so what else was there for it?

She  _ liked _ Amamiya Ren. She liked him the same giddy way she was sure Ann did and possibly for many of the same reasons. She knew she was a broken thing, and that liking him that way was  _ impossible  _ for her right now, and yet she did it anyway, because she was selfish, no amount of cracks in the coffee vessel would stop her feeling what she did towards the boy. She wanted him. She wanted to be  _ able _ to want him, at least. She wanted to stop being broken and be… be in… love.

Not being broken was hard right now. The cold of winter had set in and a crutch wasn't enough any more. She had been reduced back into a wheelchair. That made her plans even harder to put into motion. But she was determined. She would  _ not _ stay broken.

**SHIHO: Busy?** she asked.

**REN: Hanging out with the gang,** he replied.

**REN: Sorry.**

**SHIHO: Its okay. You *could* invite me along.**

**REN: Sorry, Shiho. We're actually going somewhere very crowded. I don't want to scare you again.** She didn't know if it was true. He was such a good liar. He was so good that, in her heart of hearts, she was still sure he was one of the Phantom Thieves. Surely he could trick people into thinking he was dead.

**SHIHO: It's cool. Enjoy!** She closed the chat and switched to Ann.

**SHIHO: Hey you.**

**SHIHO: Ren says you and the gang are off out today.**

**SHIHO: I'm jelly.**

**SHIHO: Tell me all about where you're going! I want to feel like I'm there, at least, even though I can't be.** She felt bad manipulating her like this, but she was sure she could guilt Ann info revealing their destination. She was not disappointed.

**ANN: Heya speedy!** Ann always called her this when she messaged this fast.

**ANN: Honestly it isn't anywhere interesting. We're going to Chiyoda, one of the others wants to visit the Diet building for some reason. Gotta go with though because FOMO.** Ann must have thought she was saying things that would make Shiho  _ not _ want to be there. Shiho was about ready to be anywhere but stuck at home. Today was the day of her plan. She wanted  _ one month _ before Christmas Eve to see if she could change as fast as she wanted and get what she - selfish she the broken thing - wanted before that auspicious day.

**SHIHO: Oh, okay. Have fun, I guess?** It was not a lie, she told herself. She did want Ann to have fun, generally speaking.

She immediately switched from the chat app and checked an app for a taxi service, the kind where you could check the drivers credentials. She scrolled and scrolled until she encountered a rarity, a female driver, and ordered the ride.

She was going to be selfish for one month starting today. She may even end up hurting Ann. But this was part of becoming less broken, she decided.

Chiyoda  _ was  _ crowded. Compared with normal at least. It was election season, Ren thought, bitterly. They only had so long until this one, last dirtbag managed to start  _ running the country _ , and that he couldn't stand. Not this guy, the man who had trapped him in a prison of time. Shido had to be taken down.

They had just found the keyword, and they were looking at each other to confirm. It was just a look, but they could all see it in each others' eyes, determination. Justice had to be done. Joker nodded, and pressed the button.

"Beginning navigation," the synthetic vice said. The world warped and shifted around them, and they were looking at the diet building, albeit in a different quality of light.

"We went in but… is anythin' different?" Skull asked.

"The security guards are gone, but it's difficult to tell for certain, like with sis," noted Queen.

"Ah," Noire squeaked, "that gate wasn't open earlier though."

They all looked down again, Joker realised they had all been so captivated by the dome of the building that they hadn't really looked at its ground level yet. The large entry door was currently slowly swinging closed, he noted. Had someone come in before them? He thought of his rival, his betrayer, and scowled. Another thing that desperately needed putting right. If there was time. There was never time. He had the feeling this palace wasn't going to be the end of it.

"Wait, Mona's appearance is different, too," Panther added.

"So we're in a place fershure," Oracle took her turn to speak.

"So let's take a look," Skull shrugged. Joker agreed with a nod and looked at the girls, nodding to the right, then the boys, nodding again left. Everyone knew what to do, he knew. His little band of thieves, come from experimenting with the metaverse to a now well oiled machine. Oracle, as always, would bring up the rear.

As they approached and slid up the steps, he noted a small inconsistency. Near the base of the stairs was a wheelchair, overturned. His vision was acute to unnatural degrees even outside of the metaverse thanks to the gift Igor had given him, but in here he could just  _ tell _ . That wheelchair was completely undistorted. Someone had limped from it and up into the building.

"Anything your side?" One of the girls asked.

"Nothin'," sighed Skull.

"I'll check it out," they heard Oracle in their ears. Her persona was so powerful, so tapped into the flow of the metaverse, that they could communicate through it. "Huh, what the heck?"

"What's up?" he asked. There was a gasp. All of them turned and ran to join her, and saw the spectacle.

Tokyo was all around them. It was also moving. They stood on the prow of a colossal ship, and it floated on a distorted, polluted sea, shoving skyscrapers out of its path.

"Even if the country may sink, he alone will survive. That's what this cognition is about," Mona explained.

"This is bullshit!" Skull yelled. "Country our children can be proud of my ass, it's all sunken in his head! If a guy like this stands above everyone, we're completely done for."

"This is beyond ridiculous," Panther agreed.

Through it all, Joker couldn't think about any of it. His mind was on the wheelchair. Could it be someone had been sucked in with them again? They had been careful, hadn't they? Kept their distance from others…

"We're definitely takin' his treasure!" Skull said loudly again, breaking his reverie. Joker was the leader. He should speak, he thought.

"Business as usual," he shrugged and turned toward the building. But was it? He could hear Skull lamenting his choice of words as he flexed his hands in his pockets. Where was his Rebel's attire? Why are they not automatically threats?

This was made redundant the instant they stepped inside. Clearly this was somewhere they were not supposed to be. A decorated staircase. Masquerade masks on all the guests, and speakers spewing propaganda. There were fliers everywhere. Joker snatched one as it floated down, and he was instantly drawn to one section.

**_Shido Cares for the People_ **

_ Pictured is Masayoshi Shido shaking hands with a member of the community deeply affected by the malaise in our current society. His daughter the victim of the corruption allowed to run rampant in the school system, Suzui Sato receives a grant for the best healthcare money can buy for his sick daughter. Shido cares about even the broken, the victims and the lost. _

The picture was a man he recognised. He only met Suzui Sato once, and he had looked sad, about to take his daughter away from her life. That was when he heard the sobs, preternatural hearing a part of the third eye Igor had given him. The others were discussing the guests, the palace. Joker didn't care. Something had gone terribly wrong. He could almost see limping footsteps heading up the stairs, imprinted on this reality as if in mud, glowing. He ignored the others calling out as he followed the trail, and the sound of tears.

She was at the top of a small flight of stairs, legs tucked under her, flier crumpled in her hands. She was wearing a hooded sweatshirt that hid her figure, and her hair wasn't in a ponytail. If she had been around and he wasn't focussing on her, he wouldn't have noticed her at all.

And she learned that from me, he thought.

"Shiho," he said, softly, crouching as he heard the others catching up. Her name came again in a loud, startled gasp.

"Shiho?!" Panther cried. Skull was quick to follow.

"Woah! Suzui?" The others looked on confused.

"My father," Shiho was sobbing, tears dropping into the wrinkled paper in her hands. "The politician guy. Dad said he met him but. This is what he thinks of me…" she said. "What my own dad thinks."

"But of course," came a distorted voice. A shadow had spawned from the ground ahead. "As director of public relations, the expectation that a good politician champions the weak and broken is my specialty!" Joker ignored it, the others took up defensive positions but he held up his hand, staying them. He had a feeling. He recalled gold flashing in dark eyes.

"Does what they think really matter in the end?" Joker asked in a quiet voice. It was the voice he had saved for her. Shiho looked up at him, questioning. "You can't control the expectations of others. What  _ can _ you control?"

What could she control? Herself. And wasn't she supposed to be being selfish? Shiho stood, pain lancing through all her limbs, and looked at the… thing, then at Ren and his friends. She recognised Ren, of course she did. And Ann. Her body suited that catsuit, she thought, but she had to focus. Her head hurt now, along with everything else. All these people seemed to be waiting at Ren's whim. Ren was waiting, and smiling, for  _ her _ . She gave him a smile, and then looked at the…

"Director of public relations, was it?" She said, defiant. Her voice was still quiet, but the thing didn't really look like a man, just a uniform with a mask. It was genderless. Not scary. Not to her. "You can think I'm broken all you want. Print fliers and…" God the pain in her head! It was throbbing. She put out her arm and caught Ren's sleeve. He stood steady but didn't try and take her arm like before. It was like he knew what she was thinking. She smiled, this time a wicked smirk, dark humour she had used for years bubbled up in her.

"You can print all the fliers you want, and  _ toss them from the rooftops! _ " She shouted. It felt  _ good _ to shout again. She remembered shouting between her teammates in volleyball, before volleyball became a part of what broke her. She longed for that feeling again, and today she was feeling selfish. She would  _ seize _ it. "But broken is a state of mind. And I'm done with it!"

**_"At last,"_** her head seared as a voice at once familiar and alien filled it, and she lost her grip on Ren, but she had had quite enough of falling. She refused to drop. Straightened her legs with sheer willpower. Listened, eyes burning with determination. She closed them, to better hear the thing. **_"So long you ran. So long you feared. So long you allowed yourself to be the shattered little thing they thought you ought to be. You're ready now to come together again, to be whole._**

**_"I am thou, thou art I. Throw off their expectations of you, and wage a beautiful war against them. The other you inside desires this. Will you strive for your self-determination?"_ **

"I will," she said quietly. Something burned on her face, as well as in her mind, and she opened her eyes. In her periphery, Shiho could see white, and gold.

**_"It is done. We are whole again. Beat your wings, and show them. Call my name."_ **

And she knew it.

Ren knew it. Before him, Suzui Shiho stood more beautiful than he had ever seen her before, even in the dishevelled sweatshirt, her hair cascading all over. Her eyes were glowing yellow, like a shadow's, beneath a mask. It looked like white porcelain in the shadow of two bifurcated wings, a butterfly, a crack in the side under her eye where he had seen her bearing a bloodied mark, on a stretcher, in spring, that crack now sealed in shimmering gold paint. He knew what came next, and how much it hurt, but as he saw the blood gush from her face as she tore away the mask, Joker could swear she didn't even flinch. Her voice, loud and clear and proud, called out toward the sky.

"With me…" and the blood erupted into fire blue as the sky, surrounding her in brilliance and the sound of chains, "Aya-Shigekka!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Saturday readers! I actually finished this late last night, but polished a little this morning and HAD to post it.  
> Now then, Shiho's Persona. Persona fans will be used to personae being based on mythological heroes, demons and angels. Aya-Shigekka is no different. Using Nanori reading of the following kanji, 花 is Aya, 木 is Shige, and 蘭 is Ka. This makes 花 木蘭, which in Chinese reads as Hua (or Fa) Mulan. That's right, Shiho's Persona is Mulan. Rebelling against the expectations of her family, and society as a whole, in this case because she is supposed to be a victim, behaving like victims do. She should be broken, but she chooses to be more than that. Her parents want to coddle her, politicians to use her as an ideal PR stunt, but Shiho is desperate to get down to business!  
> Next time, we get to see her Rebel's attire, featuring, of course, kintsukuroi and butterflies. Look forward to that today or (more likely since I have a tabletop game to be part of today on stream) tomorrow.


	10. Not Bowed, Not Bent, Not Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiho awakens, and Ren feels he understands her perfectly. The Phantom Thieves support her through her first tussle in the metaverse and Joker gives her the final blow. Turns out in the metaverse she doesn't _have_ to be broken.

**11/24**

Suzui Shihio stood illuminated by blue fire, resplendent. Her attire had changed, and they all knew why, but Ren felt he understood more than any of the others. He had seen this version of her all along. Was it his third eye that had showed him premonitions of this moment? Or was it that he felt unusually close to Shiho, in spite of all the time spent at literal, physical distance, did he just understand her that well? He felt like he did, and felt that gap closing with every second.

**Adjustment Confidant, Rank 8**

Her mask was a butterfly, white, with a golden crack. Her outfit seemed like a Chinese  _ Hanfu _ , with a skirt flaring, and long, trailing sleeves, in a bluish-white of traditional pottery lacquer, it shone as if it were made of the stuff - here and there, motifs of gold-bordered, white butterflies seemed to flitter across the dress, living and moving. The back of the dress, by her hips a pair of lace, black butterfly wings seemed to move as if alive, coming off of the black lace  _ obi _ about her waist. Armoured plates covered the elbows and the knees, armoured boots with wings adorned her feet. A bright golden painted crack shone across the right knee in particular - Shiho’s broken leg. It glowed with the same yellow light her eyes did, as she summoned her persona. She didn’t seem to be struggling to stand on it. Like kintsukuroi, the armour of her Rebel’s attire seemed to act as a patch on the break.

The armour of her persona was something else entirely.

_ Aya-Shigekka  _ loomed, blazing glorious out of the blue light, her perfect mirror, it had a face that was inscrutable, uncertain in its gender. The helm had two horns that curled back like those of a dragon. Where Shiho’s attire swam with white butterflies, black butterflies glittered in silver like starlight on the androgynous Persona’s traditional Chinese armour. Shiho reached out to the railing of the stairs, the red velvet and gold pole, and  _ tore _ it from the bannister, swirling it neatly behind her as a staff, covering her shadowed face with her other hand. Aya-Shigekka drew forth a sword, a chinese  _ jian _ , and matched its master’s pose.

“You, and  _ everyone _ , thinks they know what I must be feeling. Me  _ the broken one _ . Me the  _ victim. _ I think it is time someone showed those who think like you how it  _ feels _ to be broken.” She let out a yell, one that was familiar to Joker. While she had still been at Shujin he had seen members of the volleyball team play, if not practise, in class and at the volleyball rally. It was a yell of physical exertion, coupled with the pain of forcing your persona to enact a physical attack, and he could see the persona lunge as the shadow before them melted away to show its true form. Some kind of white guard dog, with a segmented tail.

Her persona had skills he had never seen before. It was certainly physical in nature, but every pass Aya-Shigekka made against the guard dog its blade glowed with elemental energies. First fire, which didn’t hurt the dog at all, then blades of concentrated wind, lighting crackled the third time. He looked at the others, nodding to Panther, Mona and Queen in particular. They were the best healers, and  _ nothing _ was going to happen to her on  _ his  _ watch. They joined him at the vanguard with Shiho as the guard dog reared and rushed. He heard Noire calling out to Astarte from the back lines, and the lionlike dog’s claw bounced from a shimmer in the air just in front of Shiho, who...

She wasn’t even flinching. He was in awe of the beauty and strength reflected in her burning yellow eyes as her mask reappeared and the glow faded. Dark brown orbs again but fierce with determination, she swirled the red and gold staff and smashed it hard across the head of the shadow. He had forgotten, all this time since seeing her play, that in spite of all the things that made people see her as weak and broken, Suzui Shiho was an  _ athlete _ , and a damn good one. Her spike was worthy of that starter position that Kamoshida had dangled in front of her and Ann like bait. Her staffwork was equally powerful.

“Joker!” Ann yelled, snapping him out of it just in time for the creature to swipe at him, too. He launched himself skyward, vaulting over it and landing on the far side, drawing the airsoft pistol from his coat and unleashing a half-clip of ammunition. Now that he thought about it, right now his bullets, like Shiho’s persona’s sword, crackled with lightning, a trick he had picked up from Iwai. Could her persona specialise in  _ inflicting  _ ailments? His question was answered an instant later as the girl, who  _ had _ gasped at the moment Joker  _ should  _ have been flayed by the guard dog’s claws, set her gaze in steel again and tore free her mask with another roar of physical exertion.

Aya-Shigekka leapt up, like he remembered the volley ball team doing, and plummeted down sword raised, the tip describing a wide arc above its head, slamming the blade, which misted with frost, onto the creature’s hind legs, locking it in place as ice blossomed from the place the sword struck.

“Skull,” he called, nodding to the ice. Ryuji was their heavy hitter, and what was frozen, tended to break when you hit it hard. He got the message, tearing free the skull mask and grinning that  _ shit-eating _ grin he tended to when conjuring Seiten Taisei. The monkey king’s staff span, glowed, and then launched skyward, and came plummeting down with the strength that rivalled the fist of a god. The ice shattered, the lion howled, and crumpled, downed. Perfect opening, Joker thought, smirking. He looked at Shiho, who was looking at him, too. She  _ definitely _ recognised him.

“Follow my lead,” he said, “ _ everyone! _ ”

They exploited the opening by going all out. He heard Oracle warning Panther not to go with fire, and he heard a submachine gun opening up instead. Fox and Skull rushed in with weapons ready, Haru’s persona opened up with its artillery section. Mona and Queen blazed the air with nuclear fire that turned to a searing wind. Joker rushed in, slashed a few times, flipped back toward Shiho and drew his gun in one fluid motion finishing off the clip before landing, the gun already stowed. He crouched before her, fingers laced, a step for her.

“Spike it!” he called, and she answered, he launched her. Shiho’s ascent was like a butterfly in flight. Her  _ descent _ was  _ meteoric _ .

The Phantom thieves hardly even had quickened breathing in the aftermath, but Shiho was heaving. The magic-like glow from her right leg armour (when had she put that on? Was she a Magical Girl now?) was dimming, and her leg had collapsed, and she could feel a hurricane ready to burst in her as  _ Amamiya Ren _ the  _ leader of the Phantom Thieves _ took her hand, and helped her up in an all too familiar way.

“I knew it,” she said, but she wasn’t shaking. Somehow, Aya-Shigekka spoke from her heart, helping her show the face  _ she _ wanted to the world. A girl who  _ would not _ be broken.

“And I told you so,” the jester, madman, wonderful boy and terror said back to her with a cocky smirk. “Stronger than you expected, even yourself.”

“I feel like I’m going to faint, though,” she admitted, quietly. It was alright if it was just to him, wasn’t it, to not care that one person knew how weak she felt? She leaned heavily on both him and her makeshift staff.

“That’s pretty ordinary,” he turned, with her, to the motley band of thieves, who were standing, watching, expectantly. “New plan for the day. We retreat to LeBlanc. She’ll need to rest-”

“I can keep-”

“Every one of  _ us _ needed rest,” he interrupted her. “No exceptions. Like I said, she’ll need to rest and we owe her an explanation.” Ann was nodding, and joined them, taking the opposite side to Ren.

“I completely collapsed when I awoke mine,” she said, and Shiho relaxed. That was a mistake, it seemed, whatever magic was letting her stand and walk like normal faded, the gold glow around her knee went dark, the crack looked black. She was crippled all over again. But it was fine, her best friend was there to hold her, along with the  _ boy she liked _ . Everything felt so delightfully  _ normal _ about the fact there was a boy she liked. It didn’t seem to matter that he was the most infamous man in Tokyo, and possibly all Japan.

“Okay,” she said. “I left my wheelchair outside,” she explained. Ren smiled knowingly. Obviously he had noticed.

They retreated down the flight of stairs, and out of the odd twisted Diet building, and outside the one he had called Skull collected the wheelchair and hefted it on his shoulder - was that…

“Sakamoto…?” Ann hissed a shush in her ear.

“We’re using codenames,” she offered. What an odd life to live. Codenames. Twisted worlds. Monsters. Magic. She couldn’t wait to sit down in LeBlanc, - because of course that was where they gathered, of  _ course _ \- grab a coffee and  _ hear that explanation.  _ How do we get off this ship, would have been her first question, but as they approached the prow Ren, her terrifying, gentle, strong Ren, flicked out his smartphone and checked it as they all slid through that odd world-warp, back into reality. She heard a synthetic voice telling them they had returned to reality, whatever that meant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I were an arty person, I would design what I imagine Shiho’s all-out finisher screen looked like. Since I’m a man of words, though, I figure I’ll describe it:  
> Flying upward with the butterfly-obi flapping, staff in both hands, firm fists, above her head, almost the same pose as when doing a two-fisted spike in volleyball. She lands having struck the final blow, and as the shadows explode to death in silhouette, she stands, a tall, proud stance, brown eyes scowling, one hand on her staff, a volleyball net fills the screen between her and the enemy, black and white butterflies lined in gold and silver create the borders, mainly in the corners of the screen, and a banner - like a sports banner, same as the volleyball rally sign almost, but in black fabric, held up by rope - reads, with the I in bright gold and the rest of the letters in silver “ _I_ will not be broken; you will."


	11. Selfish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Phantom Thieves welcome their newest member. Shiho seems to realise that Ren doesn't much like thinking about time. Shiho allows herself to be selfish. Ren feels the same.

**11/24**

Café LeBlanc was empty, and when they entered, Boss was there, and, noticing their new companion’s wheelchair, and the tired look on her face, shuffled out from behind his counter and over to the door. He opened it, and flipped the sign. Ren looked at him quizzically, and Boss looked around at all the others before he settled back on him.

“Just a guess,” Sojiro said, “you want the place to yourselves.” He smiled at his guardian, and nodded.

“Thanks.”

“Just leave it how you found it,” he said, waving dismissively. Shiho seemed a little on edge when he spoke, but the flinch was mostly gone, Ren noticed. Either way, soon they were left to their own devices. The gang had taken up their spots around the room, but Ann had helped Shiho into a booth facing the door at the latter’s request and taken up a spot beside her, acting as a guard. Makoto - observant almost as he was with his third eye and by now a practised tactician, seemed to identify a need to rearrange what was their usual seating positions. She watched as Futaba took the seat behind Ann and Shiho in the next booth toward the back, her usual, and ushered Haru quickly into the opposite side of the same booth as the injured athlete, standing at the end as if to claim the other half of that side for herself. As Ryuji made to slide a stool into place at the end of the table, she shook her head, and guided him,  _ bodily _ , into the next booth closer to the door. Yusuke seemed to notice the ‘girl table’ dynamic of his own accord, and sat opposite Ryuji - who now sat up onto the table with his feet on the bench so he could face the rest of the group, and Morgana hopped onto a barstool.

“You said I’d get an explanation,” the injured girl started in her quiet, new-normal voice, “but if you don’t mind,” she looked at the siphon, and then smiled at him, and Ren felt his heart beat in his chest. “I didn’t get to enjoy it last time. Can I get a  _ real _ coffee?” Ren grinned. He had all the practise he needed now to brew the perfect LeBlanc blend. He nodded, while the others started to talk, seemed like first up was Shiho getting familiar with who was who in the Phantom Thieves.

"So, Sakamoto," he heard her say as he ground the beans, "Ren called you Skull?"

"Yeah!" Ryuji declared, proudly. "Came up with it myself, 'cause my mask is a skull, yeah?"

"Literally the least creative person in the world should have been able to come up with better," said Morgana. He heard Shiho start laughing her breathy small laugh, and then stop.  _ This _ ought to be the most fun part, so he timed it so he was loading the ground beans into the upper container, facing the action, as Shiho looked around, and her eyes settled on the black and white cat, widening.

"Did the cat…?"

"Here we go…" Futaba rolled her eyes.

"I'm not a cat!" Morgana, predictably, insisted.

"You're a _meme_ ," the redhead gave one of her mocking ‘uhuhu’ laughs that sounded like an anime character, and then went back to tapping away on her laptop.

"There's a talking cat and it isn't the weirdest thing I've seen today," Shiho's eyes didn't get any less wide. "I think…"

"What say we start with introductions?" Makoto suggested, matter-of-factly. "Obviously you know Ren, Ann and Ryuji."

"I knew of you, too," Shiho lowered her head. Ren set the coffee siphon in place, gas mantle slowly bringing it to a gentle boil. "I even thought about coming to see you, Niijima-senpai…"

"But I was a teacher's pet," Makoto nodded, knowingly. "I know, Suzui-san. A lot of people  _ thought _ about coming to talk to me. I hadn’t really seen the light yet, and I don’t hold it against you. Also, you may not be very familiar with her, but the last Shujin student here is Haru.”

"I'm Okumura Haru,” the fluffy-haired girl bowed her head, rather than get up and bow, but given the informal arrangement of the rest of the room, that was a very formal greeting, and she even followed it up with, “it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Okumura…” Ren heard Shiho mutter as he monitored the boiling siphon. “I’m sorry.”

“Justice will be done,” Haru said, determinedly, though in her lilting voice it always sounded about as silly as it had the day she had appeared before them, shouting ‘we shall steal this treasure!’ beside Morgana. It sounded like overacting. Ren knew it wasn’t.

“Sakura Futaba,” Futaba waved lazily from the back booth, her other hand still working on the laptop. As usual when engrossed, the hacker didn’t even look up.

“And I am Kitagawa Yusuke,” He looked up to see Shiho, eyes still burning with determination as Yusuke spoke - of course, he was a guy, too. An effeminate one, sometimes, but a guy.

“Madarame’s pupil,” Shiho noted, some recognition of a kind in her voice.

“My mistress now is art herself,” he corrected. “A wily mistress but indeed one all the more worthy of efforts to tame.”

“And to follow on from the wordy one, I’m Morgana,” the black and white cat hopped onto the table in front of Shiho. Ren noticed she didn’t flinch, even though Morgana soon admitted he was a guy. He guessed it was just hard for anyone not to see him as a cat in this state. “Mentor of the Phantom Thieves, and the guy who started this ragtag band of bandits.”

“And you’re  _ all _ Phantom thieves,” Shiho said, as if wanting to confirm. “Since spring at least, you eight have been making criminals confess their crimes…”

“Yo there were only four of us back in Spring,” Ryuji said, flexing. “Took down that bastard just the four of us.”

“Ryuji,” Ann snapped. Ren could see Shiho’s face drop a little. Obviously she knew who  _ that bastard _ was.

“Knowing what we know now,” Ren said, finally sliding a coffee in front of Shiho. It was mastercrafted, just the way Sojiro had taught him, a guaranteed pick-me-up “I wish all of us  _ had  _ been together the whole time. Everything would have gone faster.” Shiho sipped the scalding drink, then slurped, and as it cooled, gulped it. It took her less than five minutes to get through the whole thing, and when she was done her dark eyes were shimmering with that fire again.

“And speaking of that everything,” she said, looking at him as he slid a stool over. She didn’t seem to panic this time, as she had that day she had seen his weapons fall out of his schoolbag. That was the day he had decided to  _ stop _ carrying them around ‘just in case’, but here she was, having found them out anyway. “You said you’d explain and that coffee was just what I needed to get my attention back. Ren…?” He was still smiling, but it was a smile of resignation.

Could anything more perfectly represent the saying ‘it’s a long story’?

Shiho looked longingly at the coffee siphon by the time Ren and his friends were finished explaining the events of the last seven months. She was going to need more of that. Ren - dashing, clever, duplicitous, frightening, wonderful Ren - read her like a book, and no sooner had he finished explaining that Masayoshi Shido, the politician, was the reason he had come to Tokyo, and why he had a record for assault, and Ryuji had made her jump by making a loud tut of indignation on his friend’s behalf, did Ren get up and start another brew.

“Anyone else?” he had asked, to a chorus of yes-pleases. Minus Ryuji, who asked sheepishly for orange juice.

“This is…” Shiho sighed. “A lot to take in.”

“It was already a big pill to swallow when  _ I _ joined,” Ann laughed. “You’ll be forgiven if you need a little time.”

She noticed that when Ann said that, Ren, who had started grinding beans, seemed to slump a little. Time was of the essence, and from what she had heard, for him especially. It must have been horrible for him, measuring every second until either he was found to be alive by a government conspiracy and  _ murdered _ , or until they resolved everything and he was  _ still _ expected to go home. Time was not his friend. Shiho shook her head emphatically.

“Not a chance,” she said, and glared at the table, in the absence of Shido’s own face to glare at. “I’m in. I’m coming along. If you’re all fighting to save the stupid country,” and to save Ren, she thought, and it somehow seemed more important to her, “then me and Aya-Shigekka will be with you. I just need to figure out how the magic kneebrace works…”

“Your will,” the cat said, bluntly.

“Huh?” Ryuji seemed confused by this, she thought. Then again, Ryuji seemed confused by anything that wasn’t sports or hitting things with a big stick.

“All of you awoke to your will to rebel, in one form or another. I think part of what Shiho-chan has the will to rebel against is her injuries, or at least the way they make her feel. Remember, the metaverse is a  _ cognitive  _ world. If a gun looks real, it acts real. If a person is determined not to feel crippled, they’re not.”

“You have no idea,” Shiho said, tears of gratitude filling her eyes, “how  _ much _ I don’t want to feel that way. Thanks for that, kitty. That makes sense and it helps. I bet I’ll be able to stand again - in that place at least.”

“One day,” Ren said, placing a tray of coffees - and one juice - on the table before her and Ann, “your determination will see you walking, and playing, just the way you used to out here, too.”

She believed him, at last.

Ren saw Ann off last, of the other seven veteran thieves. They had been excitedly discussing potential codenames for the newest Phantom Thief, but he had seen her face dropping into pure exhaustion after the second cup, and no amount of coffee was going to stop her needing  _ real  _ rest very soon, so he had suggested they break for the day and meet up at the hideout again soon. They had added Shiho to the chat, Futaba immediately saying that just the name was too boring and appending ‘CODENAME TBD BUT SHE’S AN AWESOME BUTTERFLY LADY!’ to it, without consulting anyone. Ren wondered if his technology would ever be safe from her. Soon it was just him and her in an abandoned coffee shop. She was holding her phone, sitting as she was in the wheelchair, when he returned.

“Did you call your mother for a ride?” he asked, his softest voice again. It felt  _ right _ to use it for her. No matter how determined she was to be unbroken, he could tell it took effort to not react to the voices of, say, Ryuji and Yusuke. He didn’t want to burden her. It had nothing to do with her being broken, and everything to do with him wanting her to be comfortable around him.

“Not yet,” she said, no stammer. Comfortable she really did seem to be, now. She wheeled herself round to face him. Maybe not, he thought, because her eyes were wet. “I wanted to talk.”

“Okay,” he sat on the stool he was about to pick up and carry back into place. “Not about the metaverse, I’m guessing?”

“I’m going to need at least a night before I want to talk about that again,” she said. Her eyes were full, but the tears weren’t falling, and he could see her determination still burning in those dark pools, almost black in LeBlanc’s low light. “I actually came out with a mission, and I think… I think maybe I have the courage to carry it out now that I have Aya’s backup…”

A mission? She had certainly been in the right place at the right time. How did…

“You knew where we were going to be,” he said, more question of how than statement of fact. He was rewarded with another of her breathy laughs, this time a little louder, and with an affectation. Did he hear ‘ehehe’?

“Stalker Shiho strikes again,” she smiled. “Ann spilled. I came to try and surprise you.” He laughed and shook his head. Of course, Ann probably told her where they were going because she thought telling her friend they were off somewhere boring like the diet would make her  _ not _ want to go.

“So, Secret Stalker Agent Shiho, what was your mission?” he asked.

“To be selfish,” she said, bowing her head.

“I think you’ve more than earned the right,” he said, crouching down off the stool so he could meet her eyes again. A knight, kneeling at his lady’s throne. She gasped, and a tear slipped out when he took the hand that she wasn’t holding the phone in. The same hand he had held in his a few times now.

“I don’t know that ‘right’ is a good word,” she said, another tear. “Because I feel wrong, but I wanted to ask you something and I have to ask it while I still feel Aya, while I remember how I felt in that place. Can I?”

“Ask,” he whispered, eyes locked on hers. His heart was hammering. When had that started? Why did this feel so  _ heavy _ ? Why did time suddenly, wonderfully, not exist?

“How do  _ you _ see me?” she asked, also a whisper. She looked down, and waited for his answer. He took a few beats of his heart, which seemed now to be rebelling more against his ribcage than against ‘the coming ruin’, to consider, then answered.

“I see someone so strong they were able to chase people into hell. Someone so  _ good _ that even though they were suffering, they managed to reach out to a new kid who was having a hard time. Knowing what was going on at that time, and yet having even you tell me what you did, not to let the rumours get to me, is half of why I fought so hard, back in April and May.”

Her smile grew wider. This was what she was working toward, and if she could make him see it, she could do it for anyone. She could do anything. He felt closer to her than ever.

**Adjustment Confidant, Rank 9**

“Can I be  _ really _ selfish?” she asked, tears now flowing freely even though she was smiling.

“As selfish as you like,” Ren nodded.

“Can I ask if that’s  _ all _ you see?” Her eyes were lit with fire but full of fear, as she raised her head to look directly at him. Of  _ course _ that wasn’t all he saw. He felt he had to choose his words carefully, so that she didn’t mistake his meaning.

“I see you as  _ beautiful _ ,” he admitted. “All the more so because of how you’ve put yourself back together.”

“B-beautiful,” she stammered. “I’m not…”

“But you are, strong and  _ beautiful _ .” He let her cry for a moment, but she didn’t avert her eyes again. She kept them on his, fearful, searching. Maybe she needed confirmation of what he meant? “Shiho,” he continued. “I find you  _ beautiful _ . In a way I don’t find anyone else. I see you in a way I couldn’t see others…” he paused, “couldn’t see  _ Ann _ , for example. Do you understand?”

Her eyes were wide as saucers, her tears were coming unabated, and she sobbed.

“I don’t know,” she sobbed, “how to face feeling the same, when I can’t,” her shoulders rocked as the words were pushed out as sobs, “when I can’t do the things other girls do with the boys they like,” she admitted. Was he… now in a relationship with Suzui Shiho, he wondered? Certainly her words proved it was something mutual.

“You overcame every other obstacle so far,” he gave her hand a tiny squeeze, and she didn’t flinch. “You’ll overcome that, too. I don’t want to do anything if it hurts you, but I won’t lie when you asked me so earnestly to tell you how I felt. That’s how I felt. I felt like I-”

“I love you,” she whispered, softer than anything he had ever heard before. His heart was louder than the loudest explosions he had heard in the metaverse. It was going faster than the shadow-her he had chased in August. It was unstoppable. “Even if that just means meeting over coffee and me twitching when you hold my hand, I want to be selfish,” she continued, her voice becoming more normal, less whisper, with every breath. “I want to have the thing the world, and my own weakness, wants to deny me. Can I?”

“Always,” Ren found himself saying. “I’m yours.”

He  _ was _ in a relationship with Suzui Shiho.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t even know what to say. I got so into writing this I felt involved and now I feel emotionally wrung out, but relieved. I hope the rest feels anywhere close to how writing this felt. It was deeply satisfying. I hope it feels the same to you all. But of course, Rank 9 is not the end, and Shido’s is not the final Palace…  
> I may try writing after I'm done streaming today (AdonisNimbus on Twitch. Sundays I _create_ an RPG in RPG Maker VX Ace with input from chat, 2pm UK time), so another may be coming soon, but I can feel the compromises and decisions about where to go next looming - I already had most of what's been written kind of _living_ in my head so expect a slowdown in the near future as inspiration catches up to reality!


	12. Even the Sharp Edges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren thinks back to how they chose Shiho's codename as they flight the man who would be ruler. Joker continues to have a slight Borderline and/or Self-Defeating Personality Disorder issue with his personae. Shiho wants to help the boy she loves, and prove she's worth being called strong both in and out of the metaverse.

**12/15**

How was one supposed to deal with dating while being a Phantom Thief, he wondered? Careful management of his time, he knew. He had already mastered this. How was one supposed to do so especially when the other person was a Phantom Thief herself, making those shared experiences seem so easy an avenue for conversation to take? How still when you couldn’t walk hand in hand, because one of you couldn’t walk? How when one still got the sweats when one held their hand for too long?

The list of reasons why this should not work was enormous. But the reason it should was singular and Joker didn’t care the quantity of reasons against when the one reason it _had_ to was so _powerful_ in his heart.

The reason it had to was because he _loved_ her. In the metaverse, this had translated to some… problematic practises on his part.

First and foremost was that, when arranging their delves into the metaverse, inevitably the time came they needed to work in smaller groups to avoid the attention of the shadows. For the better part of half a year Joker had _meticulously_ crafted those smaller parties to ensure that weaknesses were covered. Usually this meant ideally only one of Mona, Panther or Queen in the party with himself, as he was more than capable of picking up the slack when it came to healing. Ishtar, that part of himself that understood the world of Takamaki Ann, saw to that. This left two capable healers in his party, and two in the smaller, rearguard party. With the _woman he had fallen for_ alongside him (he hadn’t put her in the rearguard yet, and the way she acted in the metaverse he imagined if he suggested it she may well just smack him) he had taken to bringing two of those healers along, and the others had started to _notice_. 

In particular, a week before today in Mementos, training for his lady love before they chose to take on the Cruise Ship, Queen had pulled him aside and put her hands very firmly on her hips - she was their tactician, of _course_ she would notice first.

“You need to snap out of the honeymoon phase and fast, Joker,” she had said, waving dismissively as he had started to deny it. “You make goo-goo eyes for her any time you think nobody is watching. Can I remind you that your _de facto_ ‘kid sister’ is probably _always_ watching?”

Of course, Futaba.

“Keehehe” a mock witch’s cackle rang in his head, the power of her persona, connected as it was to the heartbeat of the metaverse, let her communicate with him over a distance. “Just be glad I’m not relaying everything you say to the others,” Oracle said.

“Shit,” Joker had hissed. “You better not.”

“Q.E.D., Joker,” Queen said, moving from hands-on-hips to arms-crossed. That woman was going to become a boss of some kind, one day. He pitied her future employees. “Treat her like the rest of us or, and this isn’t a threat, just an observation as your tactician, you might end up with a _mutiny_.”

And so the next few times they had visited Mementos, he had, first, had only _Mona_ with him as healer, and then eventually, dared to ask her to join the _rearguard_ party.

“You’re kidding,” she said, standing proud as she had come to do every time they were in the metaverse. He wondered if she didn’t _prefer_ it here to reality, where winter had her bound to the chair. Here the yellow glow of the gold vein in her knee armour kept her upright.

“I’m not. You need experience working in both groups,” he said. It was true. She _would_ benefit from not having his constant support. “If you like I can make sure it’s you, Noire, Panther and Queen,” he added.

“I… think I could handle Mona or Fox,” she offered.

“Fox?” Ren asked, “really?”

“He just…” she lowered her voice. “Don’t you sometimes get the idea maybe he’s…”

Ren was _sure_ he had _no idea_ what she was getting at. He had teamed her up with Fox, Mona and Panther, theorising that having her best friend with her might help.

The second way it had caused problems is that they had only taken a few, short trips into Mementos to train her, because, as it was the early days of them dating, he had wanted to spend _a lot_ of time with her. Especially since the stakes were so high, this time. If things went wrong, this was the only time he would get with her.

And that was how they had got to today - the calling card had been sent, if you could call it that. They had told the world he was still alive. If this didn’t work Shido would find a way to kill them, and him first. That was if this _failing_ didn’t kill them anyway. The golden monstrosity that was Shido loomed, a mass of the public under him, currently in the shape of a pyramid.

"Shard!" Joker called her by her codename, when an opening appeared for her to attack. He had sent her to the back lines when the beast of human desire had manifested, but this tomb structure they had tested, and it was not so impervious to the physical attacks Shard relied on. Her attacks had proved to be powerful - she was easily the equal of Fox who balanced physical skills and ice attacks, and closing in already on the power of Skull.

The codename had only come about as they had entered the palace to secure the route to the treasure. Fox had suggested, unsurprisingly, a name for exactly the kind of art where broken things were sealed back together with gold.

“A little on the nose, don’t you think?” Queen had said. Shiho had agreed. Skull had suggested butterfly, pointing at her mask, and everyone - bar none - had put their faces in their hands in disbelief. Oracle was the one who suggested Shard. Shiho had thought about it for a second and nodded.

“I may _look_ like _kintsukuroi_ pottery,” she said, “but I’m not whole yet. I don’t think I will be until we’re done with this, so for now, I’m a shard. But even the sharp edges of a shard can be useful.”

The tomb was unmoving, impossible to miss, so the frontline was made up of himself, Skull, Fox, and Shard. The others launched their magic and ammunition from afar, and hovering in the background, the spherical, second form of Futaba’s persona, Prometheus, occasionally fiddled just enough with the fabric of the metaverse to tip the scales in their favour. He still couldn’t help but lose a heartbeat any time one of Masayoshi Shido’s attacks caught Shard.

Shard, it turned out, was something very special in a fight. No discernable weaknesses. They had fought the cognitively-weak shadows near the entrance of Mementos for the entire first day trying to be sure of what she _couldn’t_ handle, but her force of will had birthed a persona which didn’t seem to be especially phased by anything. Oracle had noted one unfortunate thing, however - those lucky hits they and the shadows sometimes landed seemed to land on her _far_ more often, and those could take you down and give the enemy an opening just as easily. So far, Shido had opened _five_ such openings on her, and she had only been saved by the quick thinking of Noire, who, apologising every time because _all_ of them knew by now that Shard did _not_ want to be coddled, had always remained a little at-the-ready to have Astarte form a barrier in front of her. But those initial, and critical, hits had meant that she needed a lot of healing.

Putting the four hardest hitters in front had turned out to be a good call. A very good call. Shido’s massive, tomblike form, opened up one of its cannon ports, but rather than blasting at one of them as before, it began to glow.

“It’s charging up,” Oracle informed them, “why do _shadows_ get to have tankbusters?”

“Tell me he’s nearly down,” Joker pleaded.

“Looks close. Might make it.”

“Burn him,” he said, “Skull, Shard, Fox, everything you have.”

Even with the others healing them, Noire alternating between saving Shard from a follow up from an unfortunately lucky strike and blasting him with artillery, Oracle hacking the metaverse in a frenzy and updating us on the charging status all the while, it came down to the wire. He had summoned up a part of himself only recently discovered - a part of himself that had been willing to judge others, an ugly enough trait, but a part that was necessary to pass judgement on someone like Shido - and charged up himself (turnabout is fair play, right?) and just as Oracle was yelling,

“Joker’s it’s about to-!” he tore free the mask and let that ugliness out. Abaddon appeared, and the floor under the tomb of human desire took on the fiery eruptive properties of a volcano. This wasn’t the first time he had used this skill, but this persona had had it naturally. He had taken to thinking of it by the name Fox had given the card as he had copied it, _Gigantomachia_.

That had done it.

She wanted to hug him. Every time she touched him she shivered, but in moments like this, when she saw that thing appear, she wanted to do it all the same. Shiho felt her heart break when she saw him _hate himself_.

It hadn’t taken her long at all to get used to the ideas of the metaverse. Mona had explained the basics very well, Ren had filled in, Ann had simplified some aspects. Futaba had gone on at length about Jungian Archetypes and persona as repression of the shadow, and something about ‘labyrinthine modern metro areas contributing to a negative cognition of the collective unconscious among the majority of the population’ but it all came down to this: what you _felt_ was that came to be in this place, and Joker was special, he had _more than one_ persona, because he was able to _feel so much more_ . And Joker felt self-hatred, she could see it on his face every time one of those parts of himself came out as a less-than-perfect being. He wanted to be the hero all the others saw him as, and every time he wasn’t it hurt him. She wanted to hug him and tell him he was _more perfect_ for doing what he did in spite of the parts of himself he didn’t care for, just the way he seemed to think _she_ was more perfect for having come back together after breaking.

But right now there was no time. Masayoshi Shido, the man who had hurt the boy she loved, was before them. Shido was talking to him, now, and the others were speaking, but she was focussed on him, even as he removed the mask - not tearing it away to summon a persona, but casually, to show this tyrant his face. His eyes were so angry, and so sad.

“I see… So it truly is you.” Shido was smirking. _Bastard_. “Haha… What an interesting turn of fate, but your efforts will be worthless in the end.”

“Sounds like wishful thinking,” she interjected, before Skull could yell curses at him. He liked to do that and she could _see_ Skull about to open his mouth. Shido shook his head.

“A small sacrifice is unavoidable for those who would rule,” he went on. “How would you ever reach the goal if you stopped to count the ants crushed along the-”

“Shut _up!_ ” No. She wasn’t going to let this _human stain_ make _her Ren_ feel bad. She was not going to _wait_ for an evil megalomaniac to _give his spiel_ . Why were the others content to listen? She ripped her mask free and summoned Aya-Shigekka, who sped past the _bastard_ with a burning sword, slashing his outfit.

“I wouldn’t expect the _ignorant masses_ like you to understand,” Shido said confidently as the fire burned away the cape and the doublet. “Thus I shall offer proof...” Underneath, straps, springs, a harness, muscles. _God_ he was _awful_ . He was a _strongman_ stereotype and in the back of her mind that part of her that was still _damaged_ by Kamoshida screamed, railed against her will, assailing her with fear. But she wouldn’t let it out. Not right now. “By forcefully crushing the Phantom Thieves!”

It hadn’t been over when they killed the tomb. It wasn’t even over when he seemed beaten in this form. It took everything they had, she had to fall back to the back lines to recover as others took her place. Joker - Ren, _her_ Ren - stayed on the front line from start to finish.

She wasn’t paying much attention to the _dirtbag_ when it was all over. Shiho kept her eyes on Ren. His shoulders were close again, hands in pockets. Wasn’t this supposed to be the _metaverse_ , where he was the dashing trickster? Wasn’t he not supposed to slide into his ‘hiding from notice’ mode here? She didn’t like what recent days had done to her love. She wished she could do something.

“Atone for your crimes,” Joker said.

“Hmph… That may be good…” the _refuse_ said in reply. But it was too happy about it. Too _smug_ . He was _up to something_.

“Joker,” she said, frowning. She was not used to calling him that, still, but she was making the effort.

“What is it?”

“I want to take the treasure _now_ and get out of here, I think he’s got more up his sleeve.” He looked her in the eyes, smiled, and then looked at Shido, and nodded.

“Agreed.”

It hadn’t been so simple. They had to wait for the ship’s wheel to descend from the ceiling before they could snatch it, but they did, and set out, with only a momentary pause to _stop_ Panther from waiting long enough to ask about why it was a ship’s wheel, but as they ascended the stairs out of the hall, it happened. There was a sound of tearing and splashing behind them, and Joker had just enough time to spot the shadow… dying?!

“Run!” he said. They were all well used to following orders. It was good Shard had been so untrusting of the process they had all come to believe in - the stealing of the treasure - and of Shido. It had bought them some time, and they needed it. Shade may have been _better_ in the metaverse, but even compared to Skull she couldn’t run as fast as everyone else. As water flooded in and made it impossible to exit conventionally, Ren worried that maybe this would be the one that _got_ them. But there was a ray of light. Queen had seen a lifeboat, the only issue? It was out of reach. None of them were _that_ fast.

“I can do it,” Skull - no, Ryuji, he had taken off his mask - said. Joker asked if he was sure, and he answered by telling them to pull the boat in when he dropped it. Joker nodded as his best friend leapt down and took a starting line position.

The explosion had been terrifying, and Shiho sat by the wheelchair - still bicycle-locked to the railing where she had left it, as they took in what just happened.

“Ryuji?!” Ann was calling out. Haru didn’t think he had made it out. Futaba was floating the idea of going back in - but what Shiho knew of the rules Ren, Morgana and Makoto had painstakingly taught her about the metaverse, that should now be impossible. They had slowed down to _her_ pace. If she wasn’t there, would Ryuji have escaped? Would he have lived? Had _she_ killed him? She started to tear up, just as Futaba and Ann started to do the same.

“Maaan, that was _close_!” an unmistakable voice said. “For real though, why do Palaces gotta explode so much? Can’t they disappear normally?”

She looked up. There he was. Safe and sound. The others all rushed to him, all except Morgana and Ren.

“Didn’t you… die?” Haru asked.

“What?!” Ryuji seemed genuinely surprised that this was what they thought. Did he escape from a different Palace, or something? “I got blasted out from the explosion… when I woke up, I was lyin’ on the grass… I mean, ain’t I alive?” He turned to Ann, whose eyes were red and puffy. “What’s this? You cryin’ face is _so_ not cute.” Oof. Big mistake, she thought. The others looked like they had similar thoughts.

“It’s _your_ damn fault!” Ann literally smacked him. Right into a pole. Haru was next, professing her worry for him, Futaba called him a troublemaker. He was pleading sympathy, but the other girls were surrounding him. While she watched, she had almost missed Ren approaching her, hand outstretched,

“Floor’s cold,” he said. “Lets get you up in the chair.” She looked sadly at it, but she wasn’t prepared for _his_ face to look so sad when she looked back. “I know.” As the girls… smacked Ryuji a few more times for good measure, Ren helped her up. On the way, when he had her in just awkward enough position for her to reach, she placed her lips on his cheek. He nearly dropped her. She shook - it was a big step - as he lowered her in, but she still smiled. He looked amazed.

“I wanted to prove I’m not broken _outside_ that place, too,” Shiho said in a proud, but quivering voice. He grinned. The others were talking about getting food on the way home. She seemed to have completely missed them _beating_ Ryuji to a heap on the floor. Ren smiled and agreed with them, and, leaving Ryuji to recover, they set off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to figure out how much of the canon story I want to cover and how much I want to omit for the sake of not boring people is a constant struggle. I hope I’m using just enough of it to ground the story in the reality of Persona 5. Now, since this fic is based in the world of Royal, and since this Joker is a good manager of time, I will have to find a way to deal with using the Shiho of the third semester canon, and having Joker snap her out of it too. Should be a hoot. For now, though, it’ll be on to the rest of December, Adjustment Rank 10, the Mementos depths, and of course the day Shiho was doing all this for. Christmas Eve.
> 
> Why yes, I _did_ have Shiho insinuate she thinks Yusuke seems a little on the camp side of the field. Frankly I'm still disappointed that Atlas never made him romanceable. Then again _most_ people I know who want a gay pairing want _Akechi_ of all people... Nope. In my headcanon, Kitagawa Yusuke is firmly bisexual, not that this impacts _this_ fic at all.


	13. Second Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stolen kisses in stolen moments. Christmas is near, but the world isn't changing. Joker feels a calling to steal _every_ heart, and Shiho feels desperate to help her love.

**12/22**

It turned out that it didn’t matter what he did, for the most part, people didn’t change. It had been days since Masayoshi Shido’s change of heart, and nobody seemed that bothered by it. Nobody much seemed to care about anything, which was  _ ridiculous _ because it was almost  _ Christmas _ . At least, that was the impression he got on his way to and from School. Trains filled with people who were sure Shido would be okay, Shido would get better. Phantom Thieves who? Probably had nothing to do with it. Oh well,  _ c’est la vie,  _ life goes on. Life wouldn't change. Go to school, finish exams, rinse, repeat.

It was in the middle of such a reverie, wondering what to do with his evening, that a call came that he hadn’t realised he needed.

**SUZUI SHIHO**

His girlfriend. Felt odd thinking about the fact that, even as society seemed to drift by meaninglessly and all their labours had borne scant fruit, that something as mundane as  _ having a girlfriend _ could still bring a smile to his face. But it did. Maybe because her being his girlfriend, her being  _ able  _ to be his girlfriend, was proof positive that at least  _ something _ good had come of all the  _ shit _ he had had to wade through in the last 8 months. Something more than good. Something truly beautiful. Or, he thought, maybe it’s because I still can’t forget what her lips felt like on my cheek.

“Hello,” he said, using his voice just for her, softer than his ‘don’t notice me’ voice, he had come to think of it as his ‘I couldn’t hurt you if I tried’ voice, which was quite a change from the forceful, projected voice he used in the metaverse.

“Hi,” sounded like she was smiling too. “I know things are weird out there, but I want to see you,” she said. “Can I… come to LeBlanc?”

“I can call Ann,” he offered.

“I wanted to… can I try…” Seemed like she didn’t know what to do with her thoughts, how to get them out without risking some injury to her feelings, fear, she hadn’t conquered it, just made it a part of herself now, painting it gold. She was silent, as if she was imploring him to  _ know _ what she wanted. Most times, it had seemed lately, he  _ did _ . Their last trip into Mementos the others had remarked that their chemistry was  _ uncanny _ \- both in terms of the synergies of her status-inflicting persona and his ability to bring  _ any  _ beneficial follow up, be it physical or magical, and in terms of their ability to ‘riff’ in and out of combat to exploit their versatilities. The perfect party now seemed to always consist of himself, Shard, Noire (for her indispensable shielding powers, which were the only thing that covered Shard’s weakness) and one of Panther, Queen or Mona. 

Skull had complained about being a permanent bencher, at first, until on one floor of Mementos the rearguard had caught up to him, Shard, Noire and Mona finishing up a group of shadows so large, and so resistant to the elements, that any group that hadn’t focused on Shard and Joker’s synergy would have struggled to drop all of them and open up all the opportunities they had. Essentially they had walked round a corner and seen the foursome standing over a  _ mountain _ of half-dead shadows, opening up an all-out attack against them. After that Skull seemed to have a quiet respect for their compatibility.

“Without Ann?” he asked. He heard a rustle, then her breathy laugh.

“Yeah,” she had been nodding, obviously.

“Okay.”

_ Leaves _ trembled, but not Suzui Shiho. Shiho was so far beyond shaking that she felt like she was vibrating, like if she shook any faster she would stop being part of this universe and vibrate all the way into another. Maybe she’d end up in the  _ metaverse _ through sheer buzzing nervousness. Maybe then she wouldn’t have to arrive  _ late _ to her  _ boyfriend’s place _ in the  _ middle of the fucking night _ because a taxi that was both wheelchair accessible and driven by a woman was  _ rare as fucking hell _ . She would never swear, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t curse to the ends of the Earth in her own mind, and so she did. As she wheeled into the small back alley of Yongen at close to 9pm, two  _ fucking _ hours after she had said she was going to head over, she was starting to understand why Ren seemed so upset at the limitations of  _ time _ . She wanted to spend  _ hours _ with him, just him, show him she could handle normal boyfriend-girlfriend interaction without a chaperone, and without it being stolen kisses in stolen moments after big-deal events.

She wanted to give him normal. Or normal-er.

And he needed it, didn’t he? More and more, he seemed to lose a little bit of himself to the self-loathing of those parts of himself that weren’t perfect. Abaddon,  _ Mara _ , ew, all those personae, she understood, were part of  _ him _ , that was how that world worked, according to Morgana. During one of their phone conversations recently, Shiho had asked about other shadows, and he had admitted that he had met  _ hers _ . She didn’t like the creature he described,  _ Orestes,  _ any more than he liked those imperfect parts of himself - especially when she had realised that a lot of that weak self she had been had had traces of  _ Kamoshida _ left in it - but she had understood and accepted it as part of herself, and hoped she might help him do the same, somehow. Giving him a moment of normal to come away from it all was step one. If she didn’t  _ phase through _ the floor before she  _ reached  _ him, that is.

Even with the siphons off the inside of LeBlanc smelled of fresh coffee. The lighting was always low in this place, which made her feel comfortable. Her aversion to the light of day was half of why she had asked to come over so late, even if it had backfired. Even though the only other person in the room was a guy, Shiho’s shaking was barely anything to do with her old fears, nor still to do with the December cold that forced her to wear gloves to move the wheels of her chair. It was  _ anticipation _ with, yes, a  _ little _ fear. But the fear had new and interesting qualities. She was almost as afraid of what he  _ wouldn’t  _ do as she was of what he  _ might _ .

“Hey,” her wonderful Ren said from behind the counter, where he was cleaning. “Give me a sec, I’ll close up.”

“Take your time,” she echoed his words to her, with a smile, and felt a shock of regret when something… sad, came over his expression, even as he smiled at her. Just another thing I  _ will _ help him with, she thought. Trapped by time? Forget time, I’ll spend the  _ night _ if I have to. The thought sent a fresh judder up her spine.  _ Would _ she? Maybe…

When he was done, she had situated her chair by the furthest back booth, and settled in to watch him busy himself. Ren was methodical, and worked fast, though not with undue, wasteful haste. He knew  _ exactly _ how fast he could work without cutting corners and worked  _ exactly  _ that fast as though a single second wasted was a crime carrying a sentence of imprisonment. He slowed only as he approached her and the booth. She knew it was to avoid startling her, but she wasn’t startled by Ren any more. Well, not in any  _ bad  _ ways, at least. He looked like he was about to sit with her, so she held out her hand,  _ the _ hand, that he had taken so many times now it felt like it was more comfortable in his than on its own.

“Take me upstairs?...” she forced herself to keep eye contact, and smiled a little when his expression, plain as it often was, imperceptibly shifting to wider eyes.

“Okay,” he said, and took her hand. She had once wondered where he had gained the strength to carry her so easily, now, after watching him hold the line against demons in another world,  _ never _ stepping off the front row, never pausing, never giving ground, she knew. Half of is was strength of  _ heart _ . The muscles that she could feel when she dared, trembling, to hold his arm as he helped her, or risk touching his chest, those were  _ experience and training _ .

The hideout - Ren’s room, she had to think of it now, with the complete absence of the other Thieves - was quieter than she was used to. He lowered her onto the couch and made to move toward the chair by the window, but she kept hold of his hand. He looked back at her, unreadable, then, after a moment, took the meaning and sat beside her. Their hands were inseparable. She looked at him, and he at her, for a long while. She wanted to stay that way, just  _ being _ , but he looked like he was about to talk, and he still had that  _ sad smile _ . Not today.

Shiho leaned, and placed her lips on his. She shook, and her eyes welled up, but in spite of every awful thing her fear made her feel, her heart was still beating the white butterfly’s rhythm - the wind was still. His lips were softer than she thought they would be. Maybe it had been something to do with the fact he seldom spoke? Like hands unused to labour his lips had the same softness, she didn’t let herself think about anything else. Anything else might make her shake harder, and he was already having to squeeze her hand to make sure it didn’t  _ vibrate away _ .

Eventually, they parted. Shiho had no idea how long it had been. From the lack of a sad smile on his face, she figured time had disappeared for this wonderful boy of hers, as well, because the smile he showed her as their faces moved (not too far) apart was brighter than any she had seen on him.

“I am  _ not _ broken any more,” she insisted, smiling. She believed it now, too. It didn’t matter that she was stuck in a chair, she had meant what she said. Broken was a state of mind, and even if the fear that she had accepted was still there, if she could understand it and move past it in moments like this, what was there left to call broken at all? She didn’t feel so much like a  _ piece _ of herself any more. He looked more whole, too. He could tell, she knew, that she was telling the truth this time, unlike on the roof when she had lied that her fear was gone, that ‘she’, her shadow, perhaps the seed of her persona, was gone. It would never be  _ gone _ . He nodded, as if following her thoughts. They were closer than she thought it was possible to be.

_ I am thou, thou art I… _

_ Thou hast turned a  _ **_vow_ ** _ into a blood oath, _

_ Thy bond shall become the wings of  _ **_rebellion_ **

_ And  _ **_break_ ** _ the yoke of thy heart, _

_ Thou hast awakened to the  _ **_ultimate_ ** _ secret _

_ of Adjustment, granting thee  _ **_infinite_ ** _ power... _

**Adjustment Confidant, Rank 10**

**You can now fuse** **_Deidamia,_ ** **the most powerful persona of the Adjustment arcana.**

And still there was more work to be done. Her adjustment was going to be ongoing, and this, too, was something she accepted about herself. And here was a boy who  _ loved her for that _ . Was she, like he said, really more beautiful for having come back together from broken? She was starting to feel like she  _ was _ . Her heart was no longer having to fight itself. She felt a new power growing within her.

**“We don’t need a war, any more,”** she could feel Aya-Shigekka in her heart, changing. Awakening to the truth of accepting herself for what she was, and accepting that  _ forward _ was the only way, now.  **“I am thou, thou art I. The way forward may lead you to impassable shores, but you will always find another way,** **_in spite_ ** **of your weakness.”**

**Shiho’s Persona** **_Aya-Shigekka_ ** **has transformed into** **_Pyrrha._ **

“I’m sorry,” she said, as the feeling of that growth subsided and it was just her and Ren again. “I’m sh-shaking, so much.”

“I don’t mind,” he smiled. “You’re  _ here _ and shaking, not hiding from it.”

“I d-don’t know when I’ll be able to…” she was crying again. Shit, when had that started? “When I’ll be able… t-to hold you without…”

“Even if you never do,” he said, “I’ll hold you too, anyway, as long as you want me to.”

She was trembling in his arms, but, he noted, she  _ was _ in his arms. They, boyfriend and girlfriend, were holding each other like normal lovers did. Her rehabilitation was complete, in the sense that her  _ ability  _ to take action was restored. She had changed, life had changed, and it had been worth  _ every moment _ to see her like this. He had even  _ felt _ the shift in her heart, knowing what that meant from experience. Ann had gained  _ Hecate _ , and he wondered what Shiho would have awakened to. 

But he felt something in himself, too. Hadn’t he helped  _ everyone _ ? Had he not painstakingly involved himself in the lives of, helped and been helped in turn,  _ every  _ friend he had made in Tokyo? Why then had it not solved the problems plaguing the city and the country, or even world? Why did it feel as though there were still  _ hearts that needed to be stolen _ and hardly enough time to do it in? He had the friends and connections now, so he should be able to  _ do something about it. _

**“And you shall, you will steal** **_every heart_ ** **if you must,”** he felt Arsene in his heart. Felt him changing, becoming  _ more _ . More than just the king of thieves, but the  _ god _ of thieves, or perhaps closer to the devil. He was  _ going _ to do something about it, and Arsene, no, his  _ new _ self, was going to help him, with every trick he had learned along the way. It was showtime, the  _ final curtain _ , at last.

**Ren’s Persona** **_Arsene_ ** **has transformed into** **_Raoul_ ** **.**

He spent a long time with her that night. She had arrived close to nine in the evening, and despite the urge to ask her if she was okay every few minutes, which he squashed, because this  _ beautiful, unbroken _ girl did  _ not _ need him to do that, she made no move to leave, no request to be helped back down the stairs, nothing. In the end it was her mother who forced them to end an evening of holding in which, after a long while of shaking, Shiho had comfortably melted into his arms and the world could have just kept going as-is forever, for all he cared, because at that time  _ everything was perfect _ . Almost perfect, Shiho hadn’t touched her phone in hours and neither had he, and when she picked it up to answer he saw the time - three in the morning,  _ shit _ .

“Hi, Mother,” Shiho answered. Close as they were, he could hear the worried woman asking where she was, if she was okay, and felt his lover wince. “I’m fine, everything is fine, please, don’t panic. I was with… I was with…” well, damn. Even though the vessel seemed to be fixed, or at least patched, her mother, the coffee container, was spilling her worry all over. Hot mess, he remembered.

“Can I?” he asked. She looked at him, then at the phone, and then nodded.

“Hello, Suzui Kimiko-san, right?” he spoke in a lull in her rant, using his unassuming voice.

“Who is this?” she snapped.

“Amamiya Ren, we met in the coffee shop?” She was quiet for a moment.

“The  _ boy _ ? Shiho shouldn’t be alone with you,  _ especially _ at this time of night,” her mother practically growled. Especially at this time of night, he thought, bitterly. As if her mother hadn’t been blind to her abuse right up until she was raped  _ in broad daylight _ . He knew the scowl would be on his eyes, but he didn’t let it into his voice.

“Sorry, Suzui-san, but she fell asleep while we - our friends were all here, sorry - were playing a board game in the café LeBlanc,” he lied. He was  _ very good _ at that by now. “I didn’t want to wake her, since like you said, I’m a guy. My guardian runs the cafe, so he let her stay in the booth and I stayed at a distance. I was considering trying to call you but, I don’t know if you’re off the directory or it’s because of nearly moving but I couldn’t find a number to call online so… I’m sorry if we caused you any worry.”

“Oh,” Suzui Kimiko seemed to have nowhere to put her anger, so she had said that ‘oh’ with probably a little too much force. “Yongen, right? I’m on my way to pick her up. I will have to give you my number so that this does not happen again, do you understand?”

“Perfectly, Suzui-san, thank you for always coming to pick Shiho up, I know she appreciates it.” Butter her up. He heard a little movement, like she was trying to right herself, not expecting a complement.

“Well, of course,” she said, and he thought he heard a proud smile in her voice. “Goodbye, Amamiya-kun.” Shiho was staring at him.

“You’re  _ too good _ at that,” she said. “Lying. I don’t like that this world has made you have to be, but I’m glad you  _ are _ . Sorry about her.”

“She sounds a little less obsessively protective than last time, at least,” he smiled. “Not that it’s obvious but, I’m getting good at reading people, too.”

“In a perfect world, you’d just be the kind boy I know under the mask,” she said, with a sad smile. He reached out and kissed her again, and again she trembled, but she didn’t complain and her smile was brighter when he pulled away.

“This is the perfect world,” he said. “As perfect as I could want it to be. Even if I thought I could make everything  _ better _ for everyone else, I think I want to be selfish, too, because I’m not sure I could give up  _ this _ to undo all the bad that has happened.” He expected that to give her pause, but her will was so resolute tonight she just stared with that fire in her eyes again into his.

“I feel the same,” she confirmed.

Helping her downstairs was hard, not because of the actual carrying, but because he knew soon he was going to have to let go of her hand. That moment came, as usual, when she got into the chair. It was no wonder she seemed so much more comfortable inside the metaverse. Her mother must have shot out the door like a bullet, because no sooner had she rolled to wait by the door and held out her hand for him to take hold of again than there was a knock on the door of the cafe, and Shiho’s hand snapped back, her face flush instantly.

Well,  _ that _ wasn’t going to give her mother ideas.

“Hello,, Suzui-san,” Ren said, moving over to the door and opening it for her. “Sorry again for everything.”

“As long as Shiho is safe,” she said, eyes still suspicious. Shiho rolled forward. Damn, he thought, her cheeks are still lit up like a stop light.

“I’m  _ fine _ mother,” Shiho complained. Perhaps her mother might believe she was just embarrassed of  _ her _ ? He hoped so.

“Well can you blame me for worrying when it’s  _ three in the morning _ ?” Suzui Kimiko huffed. “Come on. Good night, Amamiya-kun.”

Sadly, Shiho’s mother didn’t look away or go ahead, but waited for her. No opportunity for a stolen touch, or, riskier, a stolen kiss on her way out. Ren settled for smiling at her, and stayed by the door until she rolled out of the alleyway towards the main road, where her mother must have parked, and collapsed back indoors and slid upstairs in a half trance.

“Hey, captain lovesick,” Morgana was on the window ledge, staring at him with bright, determined blue eyes. “We still have work to do, don’t we?”

“Yes,” Ren sighed, and then set his own gaze. “But if taking down the palace of the would-be prime minister doesn’t change the world, what’s next?”

“I have some ideas, but we just have to wait and see what happens,” the cat said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something I had been toying with for a long time was that Raoul was supposed to be the awakened form of Arsene, who is Joker’s ‘core’ persona in the same way that, for example, Carmen is Ann’s, so why didn’t Joker get to have a dramatic self-awareness moment that transformed Arsene? Well, obviously in the game this is because most people would have fused Arsene away right away, and because the player character is supposed to be a stand-in for the player so minimal character development, mostly just opportunities to insert oneself into the stories of others. But since this Joker is his own character, I wanted his awakening to come at the moment of ‘All Confidants Max’. Since it’s the ultimate thief, and they steal hearts, it had to come here and now, just before the Mementos Depths when they realise they have so many more hearts to change. Naturally I’m considering it from a his-cognition perspective since I know that by this point one confidant is not truly max in Royal, but he doesn’t know that.
> 
> Now, Pyrrha is the name of a mythological character famous for his weakness when he crossdressed to hide in a king’s court, and fell in love with one of her daughters. This androgynous persona trope I am sticking with is part of the drive to use this for this awakening. Pyrrha the Red-Haired is an assumed name of Achilles, who manages incredible feats in spite of a deadly, debilitating weakness. I thought it was perfect for second-stage Shiho. Still working out what I’m going to do to merge Pyrrha and Aya-Shigekka. As for appearance, guess you’ll have to wait until the third semester for that, because there isn’t enough new stuff I imagine would go down in the metaverse to warrant an entire chapter showcasing Shiho’s reactions to the Mementos Depths, grail, the god of control and all that nonsense.  
> Oh wait, nope, forget that, Kamoshida’s down there. This is going to be fun.


	14. Advent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The calendar comes toward a close, a deadline is met _barely_ , and a new world is born. Shiho proves she is not broken in or out of the metaverse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idiot that I am I was sitting on Chapter 14 while writing Chapter 15 having completely forgotten that I _hadn't posted_ it. I am working on reading some of the Third Semester dialogue again this week and if I can keep up half the pace I have this morning there's a good chance of Chapter 15 today or tomorrow.
> 
> Edit: Carer responsibilities put pay to the idea of keeping up the pace. I still plan to release chapter 15 this week though!

**12/24**

Shiho was hoping that the promised day was going to be different, that she could spend all of Christmas Eve with her boyfriend, the boyfriend she had fought so hard to be  _ able _ to have, but instead here they were, in the metaverse underneath Shibuya, fighting shadows, in a  _ prison _ .

“Come, Pyrrha!” she cried, summoning the new form of her persona. Quite how she had known its name was as much a mystery to her as how she had known the name of Aya, but it was there, in her heart, when she reached for it. Even tearing off the mask felt easier every time.

Pyrrha was, like Aya, an androgynous thing, but its helm had been replaced with a clear one showing its flawless, godlike face and bright eyes. Under and out of the back of the helm flowed a curtain of crimson hair which ended in small swords that seemed to morph out of the hair itself. It looked like it was wielding something that was a miniature of Oracle’s persona, a glowing, black orb surrounded by whatever element or the essence of whatever ailment she was aiming with. Its armour was nothing like the chinese style armour of before - now it looked european, greek or roman, she thought, and instead of butterflies winging all over, its black armour now had a single silvery butterfly with wings that looked like cracked pottery seemed to sprout out of its ankle on one foot.

Pyrrha launched what Shard had taken to calling the volleyball at a Pagan Savior, fizzing with energy she knew to be able to disorient them. This was new, since her last date with Ren, since it had become  _ Pyrrha _ it had gained a skill that seemed to be a kind of roulette, but unlike all her others which inflicted elemental effects, this one seemed to be able to inflict  _ anything _ . Earlier that day Oracle had been impressed by it inflicting something they had only ever seen a Palace Ruler shadow inflict. Dizzied, the Savior seemed ready to topple, and when Joker leapt in a moment later and struck at it, it really did. It was the last one they had needed to open an opportunity on, they attacked all out, and it was all over.

“Good work as always,” Oracle said over her weird persona-radio from within Prometheus.

“This place looks… nice,” Joker said, looking around at the room as they were leaving it. “A prison. Just what you want to see in  _ everybody’s palace _ . And just like the last section, they don’t seem to want out.” She noticed something a little pained about his expression, but now was not the time to call him up on it. When they were done, she thought. When they had stolen the heart of the public. She could handle repressing her urge to help her boyfriend while they were here. Nothing could phase her here.

Or so she thought. After a maze of puzzles and another long, steep descent, there was  _ another _ prison cell.

“What?! Y-youre…”

“Kamoshida!”

She froze in the entranceway to the next prison segment. She knew they were in the public’s palace, but did that mean they had to run into  _ him _ ? The others were noticing other shadows, but she was still locked on the  _ monster _ lounging in the cage before her.

“Mm, ladies, you’re as beautiful as ever,” he said in a tone that didn’t match, “come closer.”

“You creep!” Ann - Panther - was screaming, Shiho looked at her friend, the first iota of movement she had been able to muster since they had spotted the volleyball coach, her best friend looked about ready to draw her gun and shoot the  _ bastard _ . She was tempted to do it herself - anger was washing over the fear - but given what they had selected as  _ her _ weapon for long range combat, she didn’t want to risk killing all the other shadows trapped in there with him.

  
  


**12/1**

“This place is…” Shiho was shivering. Even with Ann with her, and Ren acting as the front person for their expedition to the little airsoft shop,  _ Untouchable _ gave her a bad feeling and the man behind the counter was  _ terrifying _ . Even Ann seemed on edge.

“Ren, you never told me  _ this _ was the kind of place you got all those weapons,” she said.

“Trust me,” he had simply said, then walked over to the scary guy and… just started talking like they were old friends? Shiho wondered how he managed to be a friend to just about anyone like that. The way they talked, it really did look like there was a history to their friendship, but Shiho knew he had only  _ come _ to Tokyo from some tiny mountain town in  _ April _ . So whatever history they had, it was recent. Perhaps he had helped this man, the way he had helped her, helped Ann, helped Mishima (she had finally been in touch with some people from Shujin, and bless his little heart Mishima couldn’t stop singing Ren’s praises when he had heard he was the reason she was able to do so), helped  _ everyone _ . “He says we can take our pick of any one from the ¥32,000 to ¥35,000 range for your first time, I called in a favour.”

“ _ Thirty-five thousand?! _ ” She had been thinking it, but Ann had said it. “I had  _ no idea _ our gear cost  _ that _ much, Ren. And you’ve been doing all the budgeting  _ yourself _ ?”

“It’s just maths,” Ren shrugged.

“Oh shut your smug face, Straight A’s,” Ann pouted, and then turned to Shiho. “Any idea what you want? They have small machine pistols like I use.”

“I was thinking… bigger…” She bowed her head. It didn’t feel  _ enough _ to think about going into that world on purpose with just some small hand-weapon when she knew they were facing  _ mind demons _ , but it was still embarrassing as a girl to suggest that she wanted the  _ big guns _ . “I’m going to… look around. Can you keep the shop guy over there?” She looked at Ren, who nodded and smiled. Ann looked a little confused but consented when he lead her away with him.

She circled the room, looking at all the model guns and knives, model  _ axes _ , spears, everything really. She looked at the spears. Considering the weapon she had made of the railing of the stairs in the metaverse, with its sharp end where she had torn it away, she figured she would suggest that Ren bought spears for her if he was working on their equipment. Ah, this is more like it, she thought, finding the section of replica grenade launchers like Haru used, but not quite, don’t want to copy Okumura-san, now do I? No, Shiho wanted something that was just as devastating but made her feel like herself. Something that matched the way she felt when she sent a volleyball rocketing toward the opposing team.

And there they were. Most of the cheaper models were just glorified  _ tubes _ , honestly, but some of the more expensive ones had complicated reticules or computer boxes on the side that looked like hi-tech targeting systems.  _ Rocket launchers _ .  _ That _ would have some heft to it. She eyed the first one with a proper targeting system.

“R-ren,” she called, barely able to raise her voice to where he could hear her from by the counter. She was blushing, this wasn’t a very  _ feminine _ weapon, to be sure, but she smiled when, as he rounded the corner, she saw his face light up with a smirk. He understood. Of course he did.

  
  


**12/24**

She pulled out the launcher anyway, and aimed it at Kamoshida.

“Whoah, I’m  _ joking _ … I don’t want any more trouble,” now his tone made sense. He hadn’t even had the will to  _ mean  _ it when he threatened her with sexual abuse any more. That only made Shard angrier, and she sighted him.

“Give me a  _ really _ good reason not to  _ disintegrate _ you, you slimy, abusive, violent,  _ rapist shitbag _ ,” she said. She could never have done it outside of this place, Shiho in reality had never sworn since the first time her father had told her off for it, saying that it was unkind, unhelpful and just made anyone who did it seem  _ less _ but right now it felt good to do. It was a _crutch_. She was used to those, they were part of her life now.

“Whoah,” Skull mumbled nearby, the others all seemed a little surprised too. Ren spoke up.

“He’s paying a price, right now,” he explained. “If you kill him, his sentence is reduced. He actually  _ wanted  _ to die after his heart changed, but Panther...”

“I told him if the people he hurt had to live on and suffer, so did he,” Panther sighed. “He doesn’t get to die.”

“ _ Fine _ ,” Shade slung the launcher over her shoulder again, and stepped forward, drawing her new, elegant spear. “Can I  _ stick him _ a little, at least?” She could hear both Joker and Skull chuckle a little at that one, that gave her strength.

“I’d deserve it,” Kamoshida said, head hung. “I’m just going to go along with whatever you want to do to punish me, I’ll deserve it all and worse. It’s… kind of freeing not having to fight against it. Not letting myself choose any more. Go on.” He stepped up to the bars, and closed his eyes.  _ What? _ This was  _ disgusting _ . This was some distorted, twisted version of a person, willing to just give up and be punished and not even  _ lament _ it or wish he wasn’t? All the thrill of potentially getting to stab the  _ bastard _ drained away, and she lowered the tip of her spear, and her own head.

“This is  _ fucked _ ,” she said, and turned toward the exit. “Not even worth it…”

The others set about learning what they could from the shadows surrounding Kamoshida, and she went and stood by the way forward, chest tight, wishing she could get some satisfaction from Kamoshida’s suffering. But he wasn’t suffering enough, or, maybe not in the right way. Maybe he never would. Maybe that was something she had needed to learn.

“Once we fix this place,” Joker said from just behind her, making her start a little, “once we do that, I think he’ll be back to being able to wish he weren’t suffering. Then you’ll know he’s  _ really _ getting what he deserves, right?”

“I’m not even sure,” she admitted.

“Me either,” he gave his own admission, in his special voice for her so none of the others could hear over the sound of Masayoshi Shido talking at them. “I wish we had the time and the  _ freedom _ to keep looking into things and change them on our terms, but we’re as much prisoners of this place as they are, in some ways - it’s trapped us because it’s got to be resolved  _ now _ .”

“You,” she turned and hugged him, “you really  _ hate _ time, don’t you?”

“Only when it’s not just you and me,” he sighed. “Only when it’s  _ moving. _ When I’m with you it stands still.”

“Sap,” she smirked against his chest.

“Yup,” she could hear the grin.

“Come on you lovebirds,” Mona was saying as the rest of them approached. “Let’s get moving before another set of-”

“...Guards.” Fox said in a droll tone.

“Prisoners! What are you doing  _ fraternizing _ out here?!”

“Here we go again,” Joker said, and when she looked up, his eyes were steel once again.  _ Time  _ was  _ up  _ again.

Shard had gotten used to seeing him proudly using his newest persona. She had met Arsene, once or twice, before, and Raoul was much like the thief. It  _ was  _ the thief, again, the hat was different but its  _ style _ was unmistakable. She wondered if he hadn’t gone through something very like her own awakening to Pyrrha. But it seemed now he was awakening to something even  _ more _ . This time he hadn’t even  _ needed _ to pull the mask off. It was like willpower alone was enough for him, Raoul answered the call.

As the people below called out, voices echoing sentiments that reverberated through the mementos-fabric that had mingled with reality and reached them even here in front of Yaldabaoth, she could  _ feel _ all the appreciation for them - mostly for  _ him _ and no surprise, she thought, having seen so many people benefit from her wonderful, powerful,  _ kind _ Ren - empowering him as Raoul appeared as usual.

Unlike usual, Joker reached back and clutched at one of the ethereal chains whipping around himself and his persona, and  _ tore _ it free the way she had with the bannister that day of her awakening. The persona laughed, audibly, a strange, mirthful,  _ trickster’s  _ laugh, as if finally getting to pull its final prank. Raoul was enveloped in blue fire which burned away its outer layer, revealing Arsene just as she had expected, before that, too, burned away, leaving its maniacal grin in mid air before it, too, faded like the Cheshire cat she remembered from a childhood movie.

Then it exploded.

Yaldabaoth was gloating that he had failed, as fragments of something rained down around them like shooting stars, but Ren, his mask still not reappearing, was smiling as stormclouds gathered behind them. Panther was looking up, so were the others, so Shiho followed suit. What appeared to be descending was the same size as the god of control himself, with a jester’s mask much like Joker’s, and a firm, scowling face, covered with wings, majestic. This,  _ this _ was his true self. Yaldabaoth railed against them, sending out his rays of controlling energy again, but the  _ creature _ , Joker’s persona, wrapped its wings around the platform, and shrugged off the attack as though it were nothing.

“I see,” Mona offered, “when a God plays naughty, it’s a  _ demon lord’s  _ duty to punish him.” To Shiho, the thing,  _ Satanael _ , looked more like an  _ angel _ of the downtrodden. Mona was talking about entrusting their strength and the hopes of the people to him. She didn’t think it needed to be said. They had trusted him so far, and she had trusted him more than she or anyone else had thought she would be able to for a long time. She looked at him and nodded, and he seemed to catch it out of the corner of his eye and nod back. She could  _ see  _ those hopes coalesce into him.

He raised his gun. The colossal persona did the same.

“Begone!”

The shot that rang out was like thunder. The god was dead. And there was a treasure to steal.

What followed was  _ almost _ lost on Shiho. She hadn’t known Morgana long enough to be  _ especially  _ sad when he vanished, but it had made her Ren sad, and that was enough for her to sympathise and wish he didn’t have to go. A new world was being born. She hoped it would be a better one than the one she had come from. The worst part for  _ her _ was appearing in the middle of Shibuya without her chair. But Ren was there for her right away. He had started to put his hands in his pockets and fade into the background until she had faltered, and then his hand was in hers and they were standing, holding each other. They were suggesting a victory huddle, and that made her think of volleyball with a smile. Ryuju had been the first with his hand in, and she had been second, gritting her teeth to put her hand on his, but she was  _ not broken _ any more, she had  _ decided. _ Ren had led the cheer. It was in that moment, snow began to fall, and someone said something about a white Christmas.

_ Christmas _ . She clutched a little tighter to Ren as the gang talked about meeting tomorrow to celebrate. She had a  _ mission _ though, and it was still not complete. A  _ selfish _ mission for which today was the deadline.

“Ann,” she asked, “can you help me get my chair from the locker?” she asked. She still had some things to do before she could dare ask him to spend the last little bit of Christmas eve with him.

_ The impossible had happened _ . There had been a  _ happy ending _ . Amamiya Ren looked at the retreating forms of Niijima Sae and Akechi Goro, wondering if this must have been the way things were  _ supposed _ to happen. His pocket buzzed.

**SHIHO: A proper date.** That was an odd thing to make into a statement, but, as expected, lighting-fingers Shiho had more to add before he could even comment on this fact.

**SHIHO: I want one.**

**SHIHO: Not a coffee shop.**

**SHIHO: Not hiding away.**

**SHIHO: You and me**

**SHIHO: A movie**

**SHIHO: Or karaoke**

**SHIHO: Or an arcade**

**SHIHO: Or *something*.**

**SHIHO: It’s the last stage of Stalker Shiho’s mission.**

**REN: I’d love to,** he replied.

**SHIHO: YAY!**

**SHIHO: Wait… which?**

**REN: As many as we can make it to before you have to go home.**

Shiho rolled into view in the station square looking nowhere as nervous as she should have looked given the crowd. In fact, he thought he saw a little of that fire in her eyes again. Determination. Well, she  _ had  _ called it her  _ mission _ . She almost didn’t manage to slow down to stop from bowling him right over and he had to take a half step back.

“Sorry!” she said, the loudest and clearest he had heard her in the real world in a long time. “I gave myself this stupid deadline and then you said we’d try and do everything and I panicked and rushed here and…” she  _ was _ out of breath. Exactly where  _ were  _ these lockers? She had been gone a long time. “I may have nearly run  _ literally everyone _ in my way over on the way.”

“Stalker Shiho stops for nothing,” Ren smirked.

“Shush,” she sighed. “I’m not a stalker any more. I’m your  _ girlfriend _ . My mission is complete as of now.” She was red in the face, but he couldn’t tell how much of that was the cold and how much her embarrassment. One thing was certain, in spite of the chair, in spite of the dreadful things that had happened to her eight months ago, Suzui Shiho was out on a date, a normal, Christmas eve date, with her boyfriend. And I’m lucky enough to be that guy, he thought.

“Shall we see if any movies are showing?” he asked, and she nodded, almost frantically. “Let me push you?”

“Haven’t you done enough, saviour of the world?” she asked, smiling.

“I’ll never not want to help you,” he said, shrugging. “This is just pushing a chair, and… I had a thought.”

His thought had been  _ wonderful _ just like he was. Every time she was wheeling herself around in the chair, she had to use both her hands, even though she had messaged him lamenting that they couldn’t walk hand in hand like other couples in the intervening time, she had also turned him down to push her before partly because, with her determination not to be  _ broken _ , she wanted to be able to do what she could herself. But he had won this one very easily today.

Her hand was draped over her shoulder, and curled around his where it rested on the handle of her chair.  _ She was on a date, holding hands with her boyfriend _ . The happy ending of her mission was  _ utterly complete _ , and she had to fight to stop happy tears coming. Without the chair, this would have been the most normal Christmas eve date ever. Now that she thought about it, some people were  _ born  _ into their chairs, so this  _ was _ a normal date for some people. That made her happy - she felt more like herself than she had in over half a year.

_ Un _ fortunately every seat in the theatre in Shibuya was packed with couples.  _ Including _ the wheelchair spots and accompanying single seats.  _ Damn you fellow wheelchair people on dates,  _ she thought, but still smiled. That meant this was  _ even more _ ordinary. The next stop was Karaoke.

Packed to the brim. Every room was booked by a couple. Every one. With a waiting list for bookings longer than they expected any cancellations could get through before midnight. No problem, hand in hand with Ren they rolled on toward the…

...arcade was too packed for a wheelchair to fit inside. No problem, maybe there’d be space at…

...anywhere at all was impossible.

“I bet we’re not the only couple unable to find somewhere to go,” she said, smiling broadly as Ren rested beside her on a bench at the station square.

“And you look  _ way _ too happy about that,” he grinned back at her.

“You know why, too,” she shivered a little.  _ Damn _ it was getting colder. “I’m  _ normal _ , not  _ broken _ . This is  _ normal _ couple Christmas eve problems.”

“We could try further afield,” he offered.

“I actually came up with a plan for just this,” she smiled. The mission was coming together nicely. “I didn’t just go get my chair. I called a bakery in Yongen. I figured I could cancel if we were out all night, but if somewhere was full and we finished early, we could go back to LeBlanc and have cake.”

“ _ Very _ efficient,” he nodded, admiringly. “That’s some pro-tier time management.”

“I learned from the best,” she reached out and squeezed his hand. “I want to make sure you enjoy tonight as much as I can. As  _ long _ as I can. I even…” She was going redder, she knew.  _ Shit _ this was the embarrassing part, she remembered. Did she really want to admit this in station square? “Let’s go,” she quickly shook it off and rolled forward.

“Hey, whoah,” he rushed to catch up, “take your time.”

“Not today,” she said as he took the handles. She took his hand again. “Today  _ I  _ am in charge of how much time gets to intrude.”

When they got to LeBlanc, Boss and Furaba were the only ones there and the door sign said closed.

“You joined us just in time for a Christmas party,” the redhead grinned.

“Ah,” she bowed her head.  _ This _ she had not anticipated. She heard their navigator laugh out loud.

“You should  _ see  _ how fast your face fell,” she slapped the table. Boss sighed and shook his head.

“Don’t taunt a man when he’s with a lady, Futaba,” Boss said. “We’re going home. Come on.”

“But my chicken!”

“I’m wrapping it up, let’s give these kids some space.”

Ren really did have the best family. At least, the best  _ kinda _ -family. He was scratching his head and red in the face as they swept past, and she could  _ swear _ she heard Futaba say she would switch off her bugs as she passed them. She decided she didn’t want to know. Ren turned and locked the door as soon as they were outside, while she rolled toward the back stairs. After what had happened today, she knew she wouldn’t have the strength to climb them herself, so she applied the brakes and waited for him to offer his hand -  _ that hand _ \- again, and carry her. She knew he didn’t see her as broken, so she didn’t mind seeking his help when she needed it.

The cake was delicious and  _ completely unimportant _ .

“I can’t believe I got to do this,” she said, leaning against him on the sofa when they had finished the cake. “The me from summer wouldn’t have dreamt it. The me from November hardly believed it was possible.”

“The you I’ve known all along was too strong to ever let the opportunity pass,” he said, with perfect timing. She kissed him. He kissed back. It didn’t make her tremble any less, but now it was with  _ excitement _ . “You were saying something back in Shibuya,” he said after a long while, and a few kisses more. “Changed the subject pretty fast, but I want you to know you never have to hide from me. I love you.”

“Stupid perfect boyfriend,” she mumbled. “I love you too, which is why I did what I did, and why it’s also super embarrassing for me to have done it.”

“Nope, you’ve lost me,” Ren smiled. “What did you do?”

“I may have… lied to mother about where I was going today,” she bowed her head.

“Risky,” he said, but squeezed her hand. She felt the white butterfly that was her heart beat. A new kind of storm risked coming, at this rate. “If it keeps her from worrying, that’s good.”

“I just want to stay close to you as much as I can so…” she trailed off. This was hard to admit anyway, embarrassing for  _ normal _ girls too, she knew. But she took a deep breath and admitted the full truth. “So I told her I was staying over at  _ Ann’s _ for the whole night.”

“The…” it looked like he was getting the gist. “Whole. Night?” Shiho only nodded her head frantically. Her face felt like it was aflame with warmth. “What if something went wrong and you had to go home?”

“Nothing can go wrong,” she looked up at him, “because I trust you.” Shit, there were the tears again. But now he was kissing her. Her face burned with heat, but his lips kissed  _ right where the fire was _ . Then up. She closed her eyes and felt him kissing her tears. Something soft was touching her face, as well, cloth? Tissue? All she knew was that when her eyes were open again, her cheeks were dry, his face was  _ close _ and he had a handkerchief balled in his hand. “ _ Stupid perfect boyfriend _ ,” she managed in a sob, and then clutched him tightly.

  
  


**12/25**

“Whoah, Suzui, how’d you get here before the rest of us? You stay the night or somethin’?” Ryuji said as he led the way through LeBlanc’s doors the next morning for their celebration. Her face was instantly burning, but Ann was already prepared to cover for her.

“Idiot, she gets a ride with her mom, remember?” she jabbed him in the side, and that seemed to silence him. Shiho mouthed a silent ‘thank you’ to her best friend, who came and sat by her side.

“You  _ know _ I want to hear how it went, later, right?” she whispered.

“ _ Ann! _ ” she hissed.

“My fee for covering for you and for giving up on the boy I liked,” she smiled. “I promise you, this is the one and only thing I will ever  _ not _ go 100% for.”

“Thank you,” Shiho finally whispered back after a moment of silence. “For both. I… You know I actually used to wish he would like you back. I actually wanted to…”

“I know,” she said.

“Whatcha whispering about?” Ryuji slid in opposite them.

“Do you  _ really _ want to hear about  _ ladies’ _ stuff, idiot Ryuji?” Ann glared at him.

“Depends on what  _ kind _ ,” he grinned. “Is it crushes and stuff?”

“You mean how Ryuji totally has the hots for Ann?” Futaba declared as she entered. She had her phone in hand and one headphone ear on her ear. Shiho wondered if those  _ bugs _ she mentioned were in play, and when Futaba met her gaze, the  _ very _ indiscreet  _ wink _ Futaba gave her all but confirmed it, and her face went crimson.

“What?!” the blonde protested. “Do not! You ain’t got proof of that.”

“Hawaii,” Futaba said, “hotel room. Nineteen thirty-seven local time. Ren’s NPC friend asked-”

“Aaah-ah-ah!” and finally, she was able to look up again to see Ryuji fighting to slap a hand over the navigator’s mouth. Ann was laughing. Makoto who had just arrived seemed to be stifling one as well. Ren,  _ wonderful _ Ren, who had, it seemed, been standing at the bottom of the stairs for this spectacle, was chuckling.

It was going to be a good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of fluff. So much fluff. But it’s really good feeling fluff with some more comments about time and time limits that will lead to the concluding sections of this fiction, which follow on from after the sparse sections of third semester I will be covering. I need to go do some replaying it to be sure of things I want to include, as I only did the 3rd semester once myself, even if it was very recent and fresh in my memory. So expect slower chapters as I make sure of what I want undamaged Shiho to look like before the big-wakeup-call. I won’t try to cover much of the semester since a lot of it is just extra time to deal with extra confidant stuff. I only really need the shrine, a conversation with Shiho encouraging her to think about it - BIG ASK in this case - the return of the thieves, the third-awakening-combo nonsense, and then I can move onto the real end of P5B - Joker’s shadow, and the Trickster’s Palace. Just because you can help someone else fix themselves, doesn’t mean you aren’t broken yourself.


	15. Alarm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The new 'villain' is revealed. Joker is neglecting the Velvet Room. The Phantom Thieves wake up, some with more difficulty than others, and Shiho finally understands something new about what makes her Ren unhappy.

**1/1**

Ren had dreamt odd dreams, but really, how could he expect not to after a year of metaverse crimefighting and phantom thievery. He had put them out of his thoughts almost immediately. Of  _ course _ he would think of the counselling and the velvet room and butterflies and vague assertions that he wasn’t where he was supposed to be. That had been most of the last year in a nutshell.

Unexpectedly, it had turned out that it was Yoshzawa who had been the only one to get in touch about plans for New Years. He had expected at least some of the others to try and meet up but everyone seemed to have family plans, and Futaba claimed she would be busy, and it didn’t feel like family if he just went with Sojiro, for family they had to be three.

So he had accepted, and with his kohai, attended the new year at Meiji. So far so normal, he had thought. But normality had gone  _ completely _ out of the window when he had bumped into the others. Perhaps in another life the meeting would have only been a little odd, but, blushing and radiant in a kimono of blue and white, his Shiho was standing there unaided in the cold January air. She smiled at him and looked down. Ann grinned,

“If you’re gonna eye her up at least take her hand, Ren,” she said. Shiho stepped toward him expectantly, and, in the absence of any way to express to the others what was wrong, he decided to take the offered hand. Ann cooed appreciatively. “See, aren’t they cute? My two best friends.”

“Ah, Senpai, if I’d known you could have visited the shrine with your girlfriend I wouldn’t have asked,” Kasumi gasped. “I’m sorry.” And of course, as usual, bowed deeply, in this case towards Suzui.

“Oh it’s okay,” Shiho beamed, “My family and I were just finalising some documents this morning and I didn’t think I would make it, but in the end we were done fast and I came with the others.”

The hand in his was the same cool, slender hand he remembered. Her smile was the same. But something seemed to be missing from his girlfriend. He hated himself for thinking about the obvious - she was walking, and in this frigid January air, but that wasn’t important, there was something else.

The fire was not in her eyes.

This was a comfortable, happy Shiho, and yet this was also a Shiho that was not  _ strong  _ in spite of - or because of - those hardships. And why should she have that flame if she were perfectly well. Something was  _ wrong _ with the world he had woken up in - it was  _ too good to be true _ . He spent the rest of the morning with everyone, until they scattered, and he walked Yoshizawa to the exit of the Shrine, meeting her father along the way, but the entire time he had been distracted. Even when there had been something odd about the way her father said her name, he hadn't fully registered it. Was it some effect of their ‘rewriting’ the world? Had their cognition been able to undo some of the wrongs done to people like Shiho? Had anything else changed?

He resolved to find out.

**1/2**

_ Everything  _ was wrong. First there was Futaba’s Kimono. Ren recalled her saying she had  _ picked it out with her mom _ . It had brushed off him in sleepiness the morning before but he was sure that was what she had said. There was also the weight he had woken with this morning. Not that comforting weight of a cat, but uncomfortable closeness of another body. He had had a near confrontation with a young man with blue eyes who was sleeping in his bed, he thought for a moment that it would have been especially odd if their new world had given him a male lover given that he had only just seen Shiho again the day before, and then the impossible had happened.

It was a strange thing, for Ren, who had the image of a giant sphinx trying to murder him for the crime of trying to save her daughter from herself, to see Wakaba Ishiki sitting at the breakfast table. A dead woman was talking to him. He had been so confused that Sojiro warned him he was primed for her mockery (this was, it seemed, a thing she did. Nobody was fazed by it, not even Morgana).

Morgana. Now there was a change. Mona, as Wakaba called him, was now human, which made the sleeping in his bed make a  _ little _ more sense, but not by much. And finally  _ he _ appeared. _Goro fucking Akechi_.

"To solve this problem, don't you agree that it would be safer for us to  _ partner up _ ?" Goro Akechi asked him, nearly drowned out by the thrum of the laundromat which Ren could only assume was a conscious choice on the part of the most conspiratorial man he had ever met. Ren realised he was waiting for an answer. "Have you made up your mind?"

"I guess I don't have a choice," he fought not to sigh. He never  _ really _ had a choice. Sometimes it felt like no matter what he said in the vast majority of cases events would have unfolded much the same way.

"Allow me to remind you that  _ we _ are  _ equals  _ in this endeavour, understand?" Akechi spat venom, understandably. When they had fought he had put up a fair fight against  _ all  _ of the Phantom Thieves, Akechi was, in raw might, more than his equal. It was in morals and the ability to make friends that he failed.

The first thing he wanted was information, so Ren filled him in. He seemed satisfied with the explanation. But just as they were discussing the implications of the changes coming on gradually until the big change over the new year, the situation complicated itself further.

Yoshizawa called, reporting the appearance of the mysterious palace in Odaiba  _ in reality _ . And  _ of course _ Akechi heard, even over the sound of laundry tumbling. Naturally he invited himself along. It was impossible to trust him, but he couldn't shake him off and couldn't call off the meeting with Kasumi without worrying Akechi would go after her alone to find out what she knew.

The palace was in reality, which made Ren think of Mementos and the Yaldabaoth incident. Akechi was now aware of Kasumi's being a persona user. The Nav was back but different. The palace ruler's name was censored.  _ Everything was wrong or going wrong _ . And he kept thinking about his friends and how happy and peaceful and  _ not right _ they all looked, and immediately felt guilty. Surely he should be  _ happy _ that Shiho could walk in this reality and that Futaba  _ had a fucking mother _ ? And hey, Morgana was human. Perhaps he stood a chance with Ann now.  _ He should be happy _ , so why  _ wasn't he _ ?

They made their way in. That felt  _ wrong _ too, the transition from real to unreal felt unusually light if disorienting. The palace started out as a mystery, but with every notice board he peered at and every cognitive person Ren spoke to on their initial reconnaissance, the more familiar it all sounded. Making everyone happy. Taking away pain. His stomach was trying to exit through his feet. It was like someone had put a  _ human touch _ on what the God of Control had been doing, and it made him a little sick. Akechi was the one giving barely restrained voice to that disgust, every chance he got, and Ren had to choke back another layer of disgust that he had  _ connected _ with this psychopath on some level - they were alike in many ways, just not whatever way made Akechi think it was alright to  _ kill people _ .

So not only wasn't he happy in this universe, but also he found more and more ways to hate  _ himself _ , at least in part.

Akechi was more himself, in fact. Which was not a good thing. It was like his usual false face had dropped off with the skein of the real world and here he could be exactly as ruthless as he truly was. This meant that Kasumi got an unmitigated look at the real him.

Kasumi was having her own issues and was too busy trying to keep up to really bother with questioning Akechi much. First, it seemed that the palace owner was aware of her situation, intimately, displaying scenes from her sister's deathbed for all to see. Akechi may have been blunt about asking her if it was her father on the screen, but he had addressed her almost tenderly when asking if she could continue. It was  _ strange _ to hear him seem like he  _ gave a shit _ .

Yoshizawa also seemed to be battling with some kind of impending truth that she didn't want to remember, and Ren was almost certain that it had something to do with her sister's death. Obviously  _ she _ hadn't been restored to life by this  _ wonderful  _ new universe.

And she all but confirmed it in the next large chamber. She felt pain, Akechi, oddly, showed concern, and she said it was because she kept thinking about the video about her sister. They both insisted on pushing forward, and Ren agreed.

More concern somehow crept into Akechi's voice when they next encountered a shadow. She tried to force her way through, failing as she rushed suggest, and Akechi rushed to support her. Did he…

Ren's musings on whether or not Akechi had some kind of crush were interrupted when the palace ruler showed them something bizarre. It was Kasumi, though not quite. Her face was similar enough, but with a beauty mark, and the hairstyle was unmistakable, but the colour was wrong, and she addressed Kasumi as Sumire.

In a confused daze, fighting to make sense of how be felt about the new side to  _ Goro fucking Akechi _ , this new world, and his lover's 'fixed' condition, he made his way with Kasumi and Akechi to the area the ruler has openly invited them to. And from there the crazy unfolded in buckets as they encountered Takuto fucking Maruki.

No wonder it had all sounded so familiar.

**1/2**

Morgana was the first one he spoke to, and it made sense that he would realise something was wrong faster than the others. He was a manifestation of human hope. Not a cat, he had always said, and he had been right. He didn't quite seem ready to talk about his realisation yet, so Ren left it and decided to try and talk to everyone else, one by one. Maybe they would choose to accept this constructed reality, maybe not, but he thought, for the sake of the thing they had all fought for, he owed them his best effort at giving them a chance to  _ make _ that decision with eyes open.

**1/3**

Second was Makoto. She was with her sister, cordially enjoying the day with not a hint of family tension. They were out shopping. Makoto’s father ( _ her fucking deceased father _ ) was waiting for them to return so they could all celebrate him achieving an award ( _ congrats on not dying, Mr Niijima!  _ He thought bitterly,  _ it only  _ probably  _ won’t end the world.)  _ Makoto even claimed that Sae  _ always had her back _ . This reality was a joke, but it was one that he, Joker, was the only one seeing the punchline. He was the punchline. He felt his insides twist in self-hatred as he helped her continue with an abrupt realisation that things were  _ not right _ . Because  _ did she not deserve a loving sister? Did she not deserve a  _ living _ father? _

He thought that would be one of the hardest. How stupid of him.

**1/4**

The next day he tracked down Ryuji. His best friend. The Ann to his Shiho.  _ Shit _ this was going to be hard. He was back in Track. He was cheerful. Scouted for college. He would be able to help his mother. His dreams all coming true. How could he  _ take this away  _ from his dearest friend? But it wasn’t up to him to  _ decide _ whether Ryuji accepted this reality, was it? Just like it wasn’t up to Maruki to  _ force  _ it, no matter how positive, on his friend.

His heart still broke a tiny bit when Ryuji had his moment of realisation. His self-loathing grew imperceptibly.

  
  


“Oh my oh my,” a young girl in blue muttered, leafing through a heavy grimoire. “I don’t recall these entries in the compendium being so… sparse.”

**1/5**

The fourth day of tracking down and enlightening his friends in the  _ worst possible way _ saw him meeting Yusuke exactly where he expected to find him. The art gallery in Ueno. He thought this would be, comparatively, easy. After all, nobody in Yusuke’s life had been killed and raised from the dead. So why did it still feel like he was betraying a friend’s trust? Why did it not  _ feel _ like he was the good guy?

**1/6**

The fifth day almost made him stop. Futaba was all but his  _ little sister _ and what kind of monster would willingly put her in pain? But she was already prone to falling for distortion. If he didn’t push, how could she ever have a choice? So he pushed, and she ran, and Ren resisted the urge to slide into the Velvet Room just to have a damn good cry.

Maybe Shiho would have been his shoulder to cry on? If she were  _ his  _ Shiho he knew she would, but…

**1/7**

He had to go see another dead person first. On the sixth day of visits he took Morgana’s advice and tracked Haru down in Kichijoji. The happiest, most cheery Thief had somehow managed to look  _ more _ happy. He didn’t know how it was possible. He didn’t know if he was in the right for furnishing her with the tools to  _ snap out  _ of her own happiness. He did it anyway, and went home feeling colder than the weather could account for.

  
  


A small girl in blue was trying to quiet an alarm.

**1/8**

He had saved looking for Ann until the last day because he had a suspicion that was confirmed immediately. Shiho and Ann, as they had once been, were inseparable. He found them together in the underground mall in Shibuya. He had given himself all week to prepare. He was ready for this.

He was  _ not _ ready for this.

"Hey lover boy," Ann teased as he approached. "Sorry but I get Shiho  _ all to myself _ today. No stealing her."

"Wouldn't dream of it," he said. Shiho giggled, a light giggle. The giggle of a happy girl who didn't know suffering. She slid over to him anyway.

"I mean that's not strictly speaking your  _ call _ Ann," his girlfriend said, snaking her fingers into his without a hint of a tremor. She leaned up expectantly, and he realised she meant for him to kiss her, so he did exactly that.

The selfish part of his id complained immediately - the edge that made their kisses so intense, the need she had to be as whole as she could  _ in spite  _ of her suffering, was missing. This was not the girl he loved to kiss. This was not the  _ real _ Suzui Shiho.

The rest of him relished in the easiness of her smile. His heart sang Maruki's praises silently. The girl he loved was at peace. Ann voiced a loud, cartoonish 'aww' and flapped her arms.

"I'm so glad my two best friends found each other," she fawned. Ren felt his heartstrings clench, and it must have made it to his arms, now around Shiho, because she looked up at him with a concerned expression.  _ This _ was the opportunity to wake Ann and Shiho up. He  _ had  _ to take it.

"It was a long year, huh," he said.

"Didn't feel that long for me," Shiho said, "on account of all the fun making the time fly."

"Can't imagine it would have been as fun if you had had to move away," he sighed.

"That was never going to happen," Ann laughed, but Shiho had a look. It was a look he had seen seven days in a row now. The look of realisation that  _ something was wrong _ .

"Not with her best friend going all out on her modelling career. That _ had _ to motivate you, right?" He prodded, this one for Ann. Shiho, still in a confused state from her own realisation, nodded as if by instinct alone. 

"Aw c'mon Ren, you know that's more a hobby…" but Ann's heart knew otherwise. She got the same look.

"I never want to move away from my friends," Shiho offered. " _ Could _ never have. Right?" She was extracting herself from Ren, rejoining her best friend in front of a glasses stand. Ann looked like she was a thousand miles away. She shook herself.

"I. So you guys think I  _ should _ take modelling seriously?"

"You're both getting closer," Ren smiled weakly. It was the fakest smile he'd never given. They looked at one another, then at him.

"Are you alright, Ren?" They asked in stereo.

"Just, think about what you said today, okay?". Shiho looked at him, and her eyes started to grow damp. This. This was what he  _ so was not  _ ready for. Shiho, the Shiho that had not survived the hardest of ordeals, was not ready to have all of them dropped back on her in one go. And this time it was _ him _ who felt the need to run away.

He couldn't watch her break apart again when it had been all he could think about for months, putting her back together, his beautiful blue and white bowl, shining gold sealing her brokenness into beauty. He couldn't stand and watch as she shattered into shards again.

Ren ran to the only place he was sure that, right now, he could be completely alone.

  
  


Lavenza had reset the guillotine. She had restrung the gallows. She had turned the electric chair  _ completely _ off and on again. Nothing would halt the alarm. She had leaved through le Grimoire three times looking for a clue as to why personae were  _ disappearing _ from its pages. Her master was missing. She had no time to check on her trickster, even as she felt him slide into the metaverse. This room  _ had to _ hold fast, at least long enough for the Joker to have his last laugh against yet another Godhead.

  
  


Joker stared at the large, maw-like door in front of him. It looked like something from a story. A gate to hell that some poor martyr would have to sacrifice himself to reseal. Except that they didn't need to reseal it, right? He had  _ killed God _ . So why was there _ another _ taking his place? He wondered, laughing bitterly, if he was going to have to turn himself into a door to finally end things.

He laughed, and laughed, and tried to ignore the taste of salt and feeling of wetness that put the lie to his laughter.

**1/9**

“Are you ready?” his would-be murderer asked.

“Good to go,” he lied.

Shiho had been the first to arrive besides Mona, and it didn’t surprise her at all that Sakamoto, a friend of hers and Ann’s from middle school, was last. Didn’t he  _ still _ owe Ann a few hundred yen? She almost smiled at the thought of her lording it over him still. Almost. Everyone who had gathered had solemn looks on their faces.

“‘Scuse me is - Whoa. Uh, hey guys.”

“Looks like we all had the same idea,” Okumura-san noted. Why did it feel odd to think of her as  _ Okumura-san _ ? They didn’t know each other that well, and Shiho was sure it had been less than a month since they had been properly introduced. And yet, she wanted to be thinking of the girl by her given name, not even as Haru-senpai. Why? Why did everything feel so wrong? Why did every  _ step _ she took feel that way lately?

Everyone was there to speak with Ren, but Mona said Ren had gone to meet  _ Akechi _ at noon. Why did  _ that _ seem wrong? Ann had moved the conversation on.

“He asked us to think about what we said, about how things were this last year,” she concluded. “I didn’t know what he was talking about exactly but somehow his words made my chest all tight and…” Ann glanced her way, and she nodded, giving her permission. “He made Shiho cry.”

“Do we gotta beat his jackass?” Ryuji asked, somehow completely nonchalant and dead serious at once. “I thought you two were star-effin’-crossed.”

“I don’t think  _ he _ made me cry,” she clarified. “But I was definitely crying at something about the things he was making me think about. I just…”

“I know what you mean,” Makoto ( _ shouldn’t that be  _ Niijima-senpai _? _ ) chimed in. “Ever since he bumped into me it’s like something isn’t right in my heart any more.”

“I have no complaints about my life in its current state - on the contrary, I am  _ quite _ content.” They all looked to  _ Fo _ Yusuke, whose face looked  _ anything but _ . “So what is this  _ inkling _ of  _ discontent _ I feel in my soul?”

There was a long silence. Ryuji broke it with an exasperated noise.

“I suck at figurin’ out complicated stuff. But d’ya think we’re all maybe, running from somethin’?”

Something pulsed in her heart, a white butterfly. No a  _ black  _ one. Both. Two pairs of wings holding each other in check.  _ I am thou. _

“And maybe the reason Ren’s words hurt is ‘cause he’s… ya know… right.”

She really wanted to listen to what Ryuji was saying, but the butterflies’ war was raging stronger and stronger. It was so fierce it made her fight to resist the thing she knew he and Ren were right about  _ even more _ . Something was  _ wrong _ but something the other side of this realisation was  _ also wrong _ . Maybe there was no right side? She stood up.

“Shiho?” Ann asked.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” she said, it came out as a whimper. Ann stood up and clasped her hand.

“I’m with you,” she said. “Please stay, I get my strength from you.” It was comforting, but it felt not enough. She would have preferred if Ren were around. He was where  _ she _ got her strength. But the strength for what? She was plenty strong enough, right? She was an athlete! Or an ex-athlete? No. No no no…

Haru was talking about glimpsing light.

No no no no no.

Everyone was agreeing. They all saw the same thing, thaat they felt they shouldn’t turn away from it. She felt that too, but at the same time, the black butterfly beat.

No. No no.

Yusuke was saying they lost sight of something precious. Shiho wondered what had caused her to think of  _ Ren _ as so precious to her that she wanted to call him right now, beg him to come be her crutch. Her  _ crutch _ ?

No no no no no no!

_ Thou art I _ .

Cracked pottery and gold flashed in her vision. She knew she  _ had _ to accept it. She hated it, what it meant. It meant unhappiness for so long. It could mean unhappiness again if she ever lost Ren.

Futaba was scared to remember it too, she said. This brought her firmly back into the room. Futaba felt like her life as she knew it would end. That struck a chord.

“I am  _ shitscared _ . I feel like the thing I have to remember is going to steal away all my happiness…” she offered.  _ Well, not all. _ “Except maybe Ren. Which… I suppose I could live with it if I still have him.”

“And us,” Ann added. “You’ll have us.”

“That ain’t nothin’,” Ryuji grinned. “We got your back. You got ours. We’re- uh, somethin’, a name.”

“I know what you mean,” said Makoto. “It’s as if ‘friends’ isn’t enough.”

“And I hate feeling like we’re not the closest of close,” Futaba added. “I used to never feel close to anyone. I don’t wanna keep feeling this way either.”

“Me too,” Ryuji agreed. 

“Same,” Ann nodded. 

Everyone agreed in turn.

“That’s it, ain’t it? If Ren was tryin’ to tell us something important, don’t you feel like he’s off working on it somewhere? I can’t bail on my best bud.”

“When I had my strange experience, I felt us all in something together,” Yusuke said, determined, serious. “I want to believe the connection we all share is a genuine one.”

“And I get this feeling if we don’t do something soon, we’ll lose our connection with Ren…” Ann lowered her head.

“Well like hell I’m letting  _ that _ happen,” Shiho yelled, louder than she had intended. She felt  _ invincible _ , even thought she knew she had flaws. She felt  _ fire _ in her heart. Something that had been missing.

“Me either,” Morgana nodded. “As happy as I am right now, I can’t accept the situation as is. It feels wrong, like running away. I’m done with trying to escape my problems!”

_ I am thou, thou art I _

The world seemed to  _ break apart _ , in a blink, but Shiho blinked a few times and it was all still there. What  _ wasn’t  _ there was the  _ strength  _ in her  _ legs _ .

“Ann!”

Of  _ course _ her best friend caught her when she fell.

“Get me to whatever part of the Metaverse he’s in,” she said, immediately, no room for question. “When I see him again I want to be standing.”

Crow had… backed off when Sumire had confronted them? Sure, he hammed it up, said he could end it  _ right now _ , but he had backed off anyway, not even asking if that was what Joker wanted. Even as Joker fought her, as she screamed ‘please don’t do this to me!’ over and over and shattered his heart more and more (he felt like, if fire didn’t keep licking his face as he tore his mask free he would have already been crying) - Akechi never once spoke down to or belittled her. Even his ‘looks like you lost’ felt put on. Joker felt like he was about to break and the only thing that seemed to have held the thread from snapping was  _ morbid fucking curiosity _ about whether his archnemesis, the man who had tried to  _ shoot him in the fucking face _ , was in love with his kohai.

It was a good thing that he had that to think about, because if he hadn’t, he  _ would not have made it _ through the fight. He kept feeling an urge to put his knife down and raise his hands, surrender and say ‘you win, be happy’. But the happiness felt fake. It felt like a joke, and the only thing more ridiculous than it was the idea that  _ Goro Akechi _ was in love with a cute little redhead.

The second fight he could remain sane for. Cendrillon came at them and the girl was unconscious. Maruki cut an imposing, threateningly level headed figure in the background, but the tentacles of whatever shadow creature he controlled kept them from going directly for him. The only solution was to take on Sumire’s berserk persona. At least after Akechi’s  _ training _ on the cruise ship, he was used to fighting berserk things.

But it was not that simple. Nor were two persona users enough. Just in terms of the number of blows they could land, they would never overpower its regeneration. Maruki kept calling forth more and more of the tentacled smiling things. Cendrillon could heal herself indefinitely. They were being worn down, and Cendrillon was winding up another devastating attack.

“Here it comes!” Crow growled. The it in question was almost certain to topple them.

“I don’t think so!” A black figure slid into view with a shock of yellow. The owner of the voice - Skull, he knew instantly, his closest friend - took the blow for them with a grin. He could always take hits better than the rest, with his boundless stamina.

“Damnit, Skull, I told you not to rush in alone!” Mona’s voice followed, then Queen’s.

“It worked out in our favour though.” Footsteps. Five, six… he had hoped to hear seven, but was relieved instead to hear the telltale whirring of  _ Prometheus _ in the distance. It  _ was  _ seven. He turned back. He needed to see one face in particular.

There she was, clad in her beautiful blue-and-white porcelain attire, with cracks of gold and fire in her eyes.

“Sorry we made you wait, Joker,” Shard said.

“Is that-” Haru started. Ann finished for her.

“Akechi-kun and Maruki-sensei?”

“And he’s doing something to her persona,” Mona said, shocked “Why?”

“Who the hell cares?” Skull grinned. “Makes no sense, right? Fight now, figure out later! We gotta stop her first, right, Joker?” It would normally have been a ‘stupid Ryuji’ fight with Morgana, but in this case it was quite right. He nodded. The Phantom Thieves formed up in vanguard and rearguard, and Shard slid into place next to him like second nature…

They had all  _ wished  _ for this. That was what Shiho took away from the conversation following the palace. That and  _ her boyfriend _ was carrying  _ an underclassman _ . Oh, and the man who had tried to  _ kill _ him was now on their side? This was so confusing and she looked up at her love from the wheelchair sadly as Akechi wandered away. He smiled down at her, but started when his kohai stirred. Finally, he put her down when she confirmed she was fine. She didn’t like how relieved that made her. A part of her she didn’t like.  _ A part of her she didn’t like! _ She looked at Ren with a frown again. Was this the feeling he had  _ over and over _ again when he used an unsavoury persona? Got to  _ witness _ that part of himself he didn’t like on full display?

She reached out and clasped his hand, and his eyes widened, before he looked down at her. The smile that followed, as if he hadn’t seen her in a while and was  _ so happy _ she was back, melted her heart.

“I wish I could come with you,” she said, “but given what I know changed about my own life in that other world, your sister  _ really needs you _ ,” she said, looking at Futaba who was pacing away slower than usual, no bounce in her step. “I’ll call tonight,” she promised. He nodded.

“I love you,” he said, almost desperately.

“And I love you,” she said, and after a pause, added, “every part.”

The Joker  _ couldn’t  _ believe her.

  
  


Lavenza was frantically swiping pages. In the back of her mind she recalled something her master had explained to her.

_ Every person wears many masks. Those masks take the form of the archetypes of characters that exist in our cognition. A human is not one self, but many. The self filled with divine love. The self capable of demonic cruelty. These balances are  _ vitally  _ important, Lavenza. _

It seemed to the denizen from the particular personae missing from le Grimoire, that Ren Amamiya was determined to  _ unmake _ the ‘ _ self capable of demonic cruelty’  _ from his psyche.

The alarm grew louder, and she prayed her trickster would pay her a visit soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DEFLUFF ALERT, DEFLUFF ALERT. RESTART THE VELVET ROOM. FLUSH THE VELVET DNS. JOKER STOP TRYING TO BE TOO GOOD YOU'RE BREAKING THE WORLD.
> 
> I have been very distracted and if this chapter is unpolished that will be why. Since the updates in December I have left work to become a full-time carer for my fiancée and our son, as well as been served notice on our tenancy. So not only am I now out of work by necessity (doing an even bigger job, looking after two human beings) but also we are trundling toward homelessness. I'll try to update more frequently but with an 8 month old and an adult dependent on top of my own disabilities there will be no promises.


End file.
